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“One good thing about music, is when it hits you, you feel no pain.” ~Bob Marley

There is no doubt what a healing agent music is. The instant I play my favorite music, my mood is elevated and I am instantly motivated to tackle the worst of chores or problems. I often want to share my favorite songs but then I talk my self out of it as music is such a personal experience. One song can bring joy to one, yet trigger another to despair or anger. As I am on a mission to heal and not harm, I err on the side of caution.

Very early in my relationship with my partner, we would debate on what is good music. He was big on the technicality and diversity of music where as I strongly felt that no one has the right to judge what music is good or bad for another. I believe that what ever music moves you, gets you to sing, dance, smile, or at the very least, get you to forget your suffering for a few moments, then that is good music.  With all the suffering we have in the world, the last thing I want to do is judge another for something that brings them joy. We need more safe places to process and express negative thoughts and feelings and music is the ultimate medium.

Music has kept people alive and given hope through out civilizations and horrendous periods of time like the during the Holocaust and slavery. I have started a YouTube station of all my favorite songs throughout my life  and my son asked why so many of my songs were depressing. I told him because I was suffering from depression and those songs saved me. To know that someone else could express how I was feeling, validated my pain and made me feel I was not alone. As I healed, I discovered the moments I would break out in song and dance are my purest expressions of happiness…

Happiness is



For some reason most of my life I have had difficulty following what seemed simple directions. This usually led to people being very frustrated with me and me feeling stupid. “What’s the matter with you!?” seems imprinted in my brain. It’s like I lacked common sense. I also was considered gullible because I truly believed what people said to me. After decades of depression and anxiety, I realized that maybe I am blessed with an uncommon sense, a deep awareness, and understanding of ways not many see. We are meant to be different as we each have a gift to share. Here’ a poem of mine as I discover my gift:

I feel like I am an infinite dimensional being living in a 4D world

Like a star trying to squeeze through a peg hole

I feel forced to live one reality whilst my soul yearns for another

I’m straddled across an abyss, terrified of being torn apart or falling too deep

I know the inherent value of both sides but the pressure to pick pulls at me

I feel stuck, conflicted and intensely in tuned to the extremes

The suffering and fears

The joys and trust 

Who am I and where do I belong?

Enlighten me

Maybe I am not meant to choose, yet be a bridge…

My son is practicing being a king as his 7th birthday is a few days away. When we went to eat dinner tonight, he ran to get a chair for me to sit on. I commented on what a gentleman he is and he responded: “I am a king for the people.”

What a noble aspiration and I look forward to the grand party he is creating for his birthday celebration as he is focusing on giving, encouraging healthy habits, and non-violence.

It’s good to be king, if just for a while
To be there in velvet, yeah, to give ’em a smile
It’s good to get high, and never come down
It’s good to be king of your own little town

Yeah, the world would swing if I were king
Can I help it if I still dream time to time

It’s good to be king and have your own way
Get a feeling of peace at the end of the day
And when your bulldog barks and your canary sings
You’re out there with winners, yeah, it’s good to be king

Yeah I’ll be king when dogs get wings
Can I help it if I still dream time to time

It’s good to be king and have your own world
It helps to make friends, it’s good to meet girls
A sweet little queen who can’t run away
It’s good to be king, whatever it pays

Excuse me if I have some place in my mind
Where I go time to time
~Tom Petty

“Most importantly, do you not see the speed at which a child is crushed or becomes completely defiant when anger rules the roost? Are you that desensitized to the luminosity of your child’s spirit that it doesn’t crush you completely when they flinch or cower in your presence? Is that really what you want your child to do? To fear you?” ~Dan Pearce

I was enthralled when Dan Pearce (aka Single Dad Laughing) wrote about Dads’ roles, ‘breaking children”, as well as about grief and loss in his post,  You just broke your child. Congratulations. I felt relieved and hopeful that someone captured this breakage in such a poignant way that a mass of people were responding.

I witness society breaking children’s spirits like horses and then training them to be obedient to meet their owner’s needs. I had been wanting to write about breaking spirits for years yet could never settle on the right words or approach. I tend to go off on tangents, which is why I describe my writings as ramblings. And to be fair, my priority is to spend as much one on one time engaging and being available to my children and not writing.

Here’s another quote that sums up how powerfully subliminal the negative interference can be on a delicate relationship and vulnerable, developing spirit:

“Beliefs about how the world is going to treat me and how I have to be in order to survive begin to get established in those first minutes and hours of life. And often parents don’t understand that, and they reinforce it. Then we see it reinforced in school. For example, a child may have had a separation at birth and have been really scared. Maybe they had tubes down their throat and they go home and mom and dad are very present and very wonderful, but they don’t understand that every time the baby starts to eat, they get scared and so they spit-up. So mom thinks ‘my breast is no good for the baby’ and mom frowns, and baby gets reinforced that ‘what I’m doing is not acceptable; maybe I’m not acceptable’. So the baby gets more fussy and they get labeled and then the child begins to live up to that label. Mom and dad think ‘we have to control that behavior’ and so we blame them, ‘you’re a bad boy; you’re a bad girl’ or ‘don’t do that; I can’t stand it when you do that’ and the truth is the child is simply afraid.” ~  Marti Glenn, Ph.D.

Even with this awareness, I fell into the same ugly pattern with my first child.  I was flabbergasted by how quickly simple behaviors or utterances from my young son could trigger a wave of insecurities, anger and controlling reactions. I completely understand why this happens now but too much for this post.

When my son was a baby, I use to sing him to sleep to the song Mother from Pink Floyd. I loved the melody but as I sang the lyrics, I became mortified to truly hear them come from my lips. I thought:

Holy crap; this is what I have done… I have put my fears into you… I would not let anything dirty get through… When I thought I was protecting you, I built a wall keeping you from experiencing and touching the very things you needed to feel for yourself to learn, to understand, to grow.

I even tried to rewrite the words to the song so I could keep singing it with a balanced conscience. That failed; like trying to repaint the Mona Lisa. So instead, I chose to change my tune to life. Let go, fear less, and love more is my mantra.

Experiencing the losses of four babies, from 5 weeks to 24-week gestation, gravely propelled my spirit into deeper awakening and embrace this mantra wholeheartedly. After great processing and healing the child within me, I now feel as if my babies were sacrificed to give me greater perspective and a new appreciation for living, especially regarding children’s innate brilliance.

Now my son is 12 now and blows me away daily by his integrity and wisdom. I still get triggered but it is not as frequent, and more so when I am tired, hungry, and stressed (aka dysregulated). When I take care of getting my own needs met, then I can be more patient and mindful for what he needs.  Early in this transition period of letting go of my fears, my son had learned a trick to ease my anxiety by telling me what I wanted to hear, then going ahead and doing what he needed to do. Over time, he proved to me and himself that he can do it without my interference and accomplish more with my trust.

I heard Sobonfu Some share in a documentary, Children are not empty baskets to carry our junk. They come here as people bearing baskets full of goodies that they want to give to the world. We all have a purpose.

So please, let go of your ‘to do’ list and adult expectations. Unplug from technology. Get down to a child’s level, smile, hug, and genuinely play with them. No rules; just BE (a) PRESENT!

Read my post  A Perfect Death about grieving and redefining the most recent death of my baby:

Click link to read the Single Dad Laughing’s full post:

“There are plenty of people who pray for peace
But if praying were enough it would have come to be
Let your words enslave no one and the heavens will hush themselves
To hear out voices ring out clear
with sounds of freedom
sounds of freedom
Come on you unbelievers, move out of the way
there is a new army coming and we are armed with faith
To live, we must give
To live
And lend out voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend out strength to that which we with to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead a life uncommon”


“Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery
None but ourselves can free our mind
Have no fear for atomic energy
‘Cause none of them can stop the time
How long shall they kill our prophets
While we stand aside and look?
Yes, some say it’s just a part of it
We’ve got to fullfill the book
Won’t you help to sing
these songs of freedom?
‘Cause all I ever had
Redemption songs”

-Bob Marley

Will You Be There lyrics

Hold Me
Like The River Jordan
And I Will Then Say To Thee
You Are My Friend

Carry Me
Like You Are My Brother
Love Me Like A Mother
Would You Be There?

Tell Me Will You Hold Me
When Wrong, Will You Scold Me
When Lost Will You Find Me?

But They Told Me
A Man Should Be Faithful
And Walk When Not Able
And Fight Till The End
But I’m Only Human

Everyone’s Taking Control Of Me
Seems That The World’s
Got A Role For Me
I’m So Confused
Will You Show To Me
You’ll Be There For Me
And Care Enough To Bear Me

(Hold Me) show me
(Lay Your Head Lowly)
told me
(Softly Then Boldly)
(Carry Me There)
I’m Only Human

(Lead Me)
hold me
(Love Me And Feed Me)
yea yeah
(Kiss Me And Free Me)
(I Will Feel Blessed)
I’m Only Human

(Carry Me Boldly)
Carry yeah
(Lift Me Up Slowly)
(Carry Me There)
I’m Only Human

(Save Me)
save me
(Heal Me And Bathe Me)
lift me up, lift me up
(Softly You Say To Me)
(I Will Be There)
I Will Be There

(Lift Me)
i’m gonna care
(Lift Me Up Slowly)
(Carry Me Boldly)
(Show Me You Care)
Show Me You Care

(Hold Me)
(Lay Your Head Lowly)
i get lonely some times
(Softly Then Boldly)
i get lonely
(Carry Me There)
yeah yeah carry me there
yeah yeah yeah

In Our Darkest Hour
In My Deepest Despair
Will You Still Care?
Will You Be There?
In My Trials
And My tribulations
Through Our Doubts
And Frustrations
In My Violence
In My Turbulence
Through My Fear
And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I’ll Never Let You Part
For You’re Always In My Heart.

I recently reheared this song playing at end of Free Willy movie. With my newborn in my arms,  she started to sway to the music in her sleep. I was blown away by the lyrics. I immediately felt remorseful wondering how I missed Michael’s pain. Considering the circumstances of his death, it is clear to me the suffering he was going through. Sleeping problems seem to go hand-in-hand with depression and anxiety. There are no more distractions, your body needs to go to sleep but it is like being locked in a dark room with your arch-nemesis.  I am so happy I finally won this battle with no drugs. Anything is possible with determination, love, and patience.

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