March 29, 2022 ramblings and layers of my onion

I feel like I want to crawl out of my body and run far, far away

I want my own home, my own space where anyone is free to be messy, slow, attuned to their own pace, where it is ok to be uncomfortable

Then I feel crazy, too sensitive, “they have the right to want things to be clean so that they feel good, look at all they are doing for you,”… it is a spiral of shame I crash down on, feeling bad, stupid, crazy depleted.

Meanwhile, their snares, jeers, stares, and fears trample through my mind, body, and soul which they can’t even see or touch, never knowing the havoc that ensues.

I am the bottom feeder of human expression…

I hit the bottom, it reminds me of Anais’s last bounce in my uterus, the buoyancy, so free and graceful, she never moved again, yet I can.

I know the truth. I am a good person, born full of light and everything I need.

I process more stress and trauma in one day that many may never experience in a lifetime, the child abuse and neglect, incest, rape, molestation, unwanted pregnancies, suicides, self-harm, war, addiction so bad you pee on family, suspected murders, miscarriages, domestic violence over and over, bullies, victims, separations, grief galore.

And I still believe in humanity, love, hope, faith, and more.

I know there is so much more to this human experience than the rat race.

My spirit shines, uplifts, about-face; I am grace.

I own my own space. It is right here always in reach. No one can take it from me.

I don’t have to go anywhere but be here.