wHo maTTers?

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” ~Dr. Seuss

This quote soothes my insecurities, yet I continue to have an internal conflict… You see for me, EVERYONE matters: every thought, feeling, action has meaning and is valid. I care tremendously about the well-being of others. The slightest glare, ambivalent gesture, negative vibration, or discomfort feels like a punch to the gut as well as triggers fears and defense mechanisms. The mere thought of any soul suffering from my lack of awareness or negligence, pains me.

So every day, I walk a fine line of taking full responsibility for my actions, thoughts, and feelings whilst mindfully observing how they may filter out onto others. I realize now that I do not deserve to suffer as much as I do and by no means am I responsible for all the pain that occurs in my world. Sadly, it took me decades to figure this out, as I felt cursed much of my life. Faithfully, I now know I am blessed with great awareness, sensitivity, and empathy, and these gifts are in a sense, my superpowers.

I still get pulled under by the waves of emotion, other’s influences, and flooded with negative tapes and reactions. I take deep breaths and filter the negative thoughts through positive, healing ones. I usually read from one of my bibles like the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu. Here is my most comforting chapter:

Those on the Way of Tao, like water
need to accept where they find themselves;
and that may often be where water goes to the lowest places, and that is right.

Like a lake the heart must be calm and quiet
having great depth beneath it.

the sage rules with compassion,
and his word needs to be trusted.

the sage needs to know like water
how to flow around the blocks
and how to find the way through without violence.

Like water, the sage should wait
for the moment to ripen and be right:

water, you know, never fights 

it flows around without harm.

I am water. I will flow with all the emotions and circumstances without violence. I understand that just as my negative behaviors are a sign of internal stress and negativity for me to process, I accept that everyone else’s negativity is a reflection of where they are on their journey.  I am a medium for processing suffering and experiencing joy and peace. I empower other’s innate resources. I trust the divine in you and me to see this as an opportunity for growth and connection. I will do my best to respond with unconditional love and respect because EVERYONE MATTERS, including myself.

I recommend reading this wonderful writing Everyone Matters… by Bruce Scott of http://www.brucescott.org 

 

Energy Reframe

The energy we choose to direct at our children (and all living things) will be absorbed and reflect back out. This process is dynamics and rapid especially when you consider the following:

• Children are processing most information using theta and alpha brain waves which allows all data coming into all senses to enter the brain unconsciously like in an hypnotic trance see http://www.renewal.ca/nlp55.html
• Our bodies our comprised of 75-85% water and water has been shone to crystallized into beautiful flowing shapes when messages of love are expressed toward it or disjointed and darkened when messages of hate are expressed  http://www.spiritofmaat.com/archive/aug1/consciouswater.html

The saddest part for me is that much of  our systems (e.g. schools, legal, medical, families) are based on fear and power to negatively control individuals to obey a higher, authoritarian figure (hence not God/Tao/Spirit i.e.). The punishments, deprivations, and negative labels create victims, abusers, dis-ease, and conflict whilst inhibiting our innate resources and unique talents.

Many of the so called negative behaviors we are trying to stop are actually qualities we would want in our leaders, our bosses, our partners, or of by-standers of a crime…don’t we want people to share their feelings and stand up for what they believe in? If we believe in humanity, our country, our family, our selves then wouldn’t we be standing up for each other? Wouldn’t shining a light on everyone’s behaviors cultivate positivity and prosperity for all?

Look at the positive side of a negative behavior

                                                   * Believe good intentions * Avoid criticism and blame * Appreciate something, anything

 You’ will be amazed what shines.

Here’s an awesome list to get you started:

Thank you DARE to be You and Dr David MacPhee for giving me this handout a decade ago before I had kids;-)

all feelings are good and normal…

“The first step to take is to recognize that ALLemotions are healthy. In our culture, feelings such as joy, peace, and courage are seen as good feelings, yet feelings such as sad, mad, and scared are seen as bad feelings. Let’s rethink this to understand that it is not the feeling itself that creates negativity; it is the lack of expression of the feeling that creates negativity.   And in children, this negativity is often expressed through poor behaviors.” ~ Heather T Forbes

I was truly blessed to read Heather’s book and see her live. She gave me the permission I was unconsciously seeking to parent my child from a place of unconditional love and acceptance…

“Children need unconditional love and unconditional acceptance from their parents; we all know this and believe this. However, do we ever stop to consider how so many of the traditional parenting techniques accepted in our culture work contrary to this primal goal? Traditional parenting techniques that involve consequences, controlling directives, and punishment are fear-based and fear-driven. They have the ability to undermine the parentchild relationship and because they are tied into behavior, children easily interpret these actions to mean, “If I’m not good, I am not lovable.” Thus, children often build a subconscious foundation that says that love and approval is based off of performance…

So the next time your child becomes defiant, talks back, or is simply “ugly” to you, work to be in a place not to react to the behavior, but respond to your child. Respond to your child in an open way—open to meeting him in his heart and helping him understand the overload of feelings that are driving the behaviors. He doesn’t need a consequence or another parental directive at that moment; he just needs you to be present with him. As your children learn to respond back to you through the parent-child relationship, they won’t have the need to communicate through negative behaviors anymore. You’ll both have more energy for each other, building a relationship that will last a lifetime.”

Please click the link to read the full article Feelings, Behaviors, and Relationships by Heather:  http://www.beyondconsequences.com/feelings.pdf

It always amazes me how a genuine and simple acknowledgement of one’s feelings will almost instantly relieve the tension and transform to positive energy. This often leads to feeling understood, accepted and normal. Being receptive, sensitive, and in tuned to other’s needs and unique qualities often shows respect and gives them confidence to move on. And even though I have witnessed this beautiful transformation time and time again, I still get caught up in the moment and react, especially when I am under stress. I have been blessed to have been introduced to the work of Heather Forbes which really help me learn to accept my children’s as well as my own negative feelings and that we all need a safe place to process those big feelings. I discovered that my own negative reactions to their behaviors were a symptom of me needing to nurture myself.