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“I’m sorry that you’re hurting so desperately right now.
I know how painful the seconds, and minutes, and days can be, how long the nights are.
I understand how very hard hanging on is, and how much courage it takes.
I ask though that you hold onto one day at a time.
Just one day, and slowly this despair will pass.
The feelings you fear you’re trapped in will serve their purpose, and then fade away.
Difficult to imagine isn’t it?
Almost impossible to believe when every cell in your body
it seems cries out in agony, desperately in need of comfort.
When it feels like the only thing in the whole world that can touch
your pain and banish it is beyond your grasp.
And after all this time, the assurance that you will heal
has become an empty, broken promise.
Just let one tiny cell in your body continue to believe in the promise of healing.
Just one. You can surrender every other cell to your despair.
Just that one little cell of faith that you can heal and be whole again
is enough to keep you going, is enough to lead you through the darkness.
Although it can’t banish your suffering, it can sustain you
until the time comes for you to let your pain go.
And the letting go can only occur in it’s own time,
as much as we would like to push the pain away forever.
Hold on.
Hold on to appreciate the beauty of the earth,
to feel the songs of the birds in your heart,
to learn and to teach,
to laugh a genuine laugh,
to dance on the beach,
to rest peacefully,
to experience contentment,
to want to be no other place but in the here and now,
to trust in yourself,
and to trust your life.
Hold on because it’s worth the terrible waiting.
Hold on because you are worthy.
Hold on because the wisdom that will follow you out of this darkness will be a tremendous gift.
Hold on because you have so much love and joy waiting to be experienced.
Hold on because life is precious, even though it can bring terrible losses.
Hold on because there is so much that you can’t now imagine waiting ahead on your journey
…a destiny that only you can fulfill.
Hold on although you’re exhausted and your grasp is shaky,
and you want more than anything to let go sometimes, hold on even though.
Please hold on.
So much in life can be difficult, even impossible to understand.
I know, I know…So many of us have cried in despair, why? why? Why?
and still the answers and the comfort failed to show.
Survival can be a long and lonely road,
in spite of all those who’ve stumbled down the path before you.
And it can be a treacherous, torturous journey…
so easy to get lost, and yet impossible to avoid even one painful step.
And the light, the light at the end of the dark tunnel for so long cannot be seen,
although eventually you’ll begin to feel its’ warmth as you move forward.
And forward you must move
in order to get through the hell of remembering, of despair, of rage, of grief.
Keep looking forward please.
Rest if you must,
doubt your ability to survive the journey if you have to,
but never let go of the guide ropes,
although when you close your fingers around them, your hands feel empty,
they are there.
Please trust me, they are there.
When you’re exhausted, when all you have to count on is a weakened, weary faith,
hold on.
When you think you want to die,
hold on until you recognize that it’s not death you seek,
but for the pain to go away.
Hold on, because this darkness will surely fade away.”

~Tammie Byram Fowles

“One good thing about music, is when it hits you, you feel no pain.” ~Bob Marley

There is no doubt what a healing agent music is. The instant I play my favorite music, my mood is elevated and I am instantly motivated to tackle the worst of chores or problems. I often want to share my favorite songs but then I talk my self out of it as music is such a personal experience. One song can bring joy to one, yet trigger another to despair or anger. As I am on a mission to heal and not harm, I err on the side of caution.

Very early in my relationship with my partner, we would debate on what is good music. He was big on the technicality and diversity of music where as I strongly felt that no one has the right to judge what music is good or bad for another. I believe that what ever music moves you, gets you to sing, dance, smile, or at the very least, get you to forget your suffering for a few moments, then that is good music.  With all the suffering we have in the world, the last thing I want to do is judge another for something that brings them joy. We need more safe places to process and express negative thoughts and feelings and music is the ultimate medium.

Music has kept people alive and given hope through out civilizations and horrendous periods of time like the during the Holocaust and slavery. I have started a YouTube station of all my favorite songs throughout my life  and my son asked why so many of my songs were depressing. I told him because I was suffering from depression and those songs saved me. To know that someone else could express how I was feeling, validated my pain and made me feel I was not alone. As I healed, I discovered the moments I would break out in song and dance are my purest expressions of happiness…

Happiness is

 

 

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/health/2013/12/17/health-benefits-music/4053401/

 

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I have hundreds of writings and insights to share yet whenever I feel inspired to post, I run into a wall, frozen in fear. I am terrified of causing a stir even when I know that evoking emotion is what we need to enlighten and motivate to change. It is as if I am still longing for other’s approval, to tell me I am good enough and my words have value. It’s like I can never shake the F’s in honors English class and will always be a horrible writer. Rationally, I know this is not true yet my soul aches from the former. I even know that it will be hard press to get others to believe in me, if I don’t believe in myself.  I am grateful that I have many aspects of my life where I do exude confidence and trust. I am blessed to have discovered that what ever I do focus my light on, it flourishes.  I look forward to the day when my light no longer scares me.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.”  ~Marianne Williamson

“Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning how to dance in the rain.”

My son and I were playing outside when a storm blew in and he started to dance in the rain. No words could capture the peace and joy that exuded from my son as he danced. The harder the rain and the louder the thunder, the freer he became. His exuberance was so contagious that it lured me from my self-conscious, over-concerned lull to dance. Yet a twinge of guilt and negativity jolted through me like lightning. You see even in this moment of extreme happiness, there were loved ones gripped by fear, and possibly perceiving our actions as defiant and careless. Yet many are oblivious to the fact that I am well aware of the havoc violent storms can bring. I have lived through emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive ones. I know the extremes of dying babies. I know firsthand the feeling of being trapped in a pit so deep that death appears as a friend. I also know how precious this moment is for my son as he inherited my hyper-sensitivity to stormy thoughts. It doesn’t take much to trigger us to despair and panic. I have suffered too long under the guise of fears, anxiety, and depression. I have thoroughly assessed the risks and I realized that by letting go of attachment to outcomes, to fear less, and love more, I open my life up to peace and joy. Dancing in the rain are some of my happiest childhood memories and I wrap those moments around me like a security blanket and blessed to share with my son. I make the conscious choice to dance in the rain.

I had gone from a size 14  to a size 2, that’s 85 lbs gone in 2.5 years. Yet I had lost so much more than just pounds: I lost decades (and possibly a generation’s worth from an epigenetic viewpoint) of unconscious weight, unprocessed traumas and toxins.  I had no intention to lose this much weight. Sure I hoped to lose some of the 40 lbs of baby weight gain (from 2 consecutive miscarriages, one stillbirth and a live birth). I had a dream weight in mind (which I surpassed by 25 pounds) but never did I hold myself to that standard.  I never tried a diet as I do not believe in them. When my herbalist asked how I lost the weight, I said “I don’t know, it just seem to melt away peacefully.”   Looking back at it, it took many life changing habits and loving myself through every transition. Although, I could write a book on all the subtle changes and positive actions, here are a few of the things I did:

  • Leave my comfort zone
  • Remove myself from judgments
  • truly play and engage with my children
  • breastfeeding
  • identify and reduce emotional, chemical, and physical toxins from my life
  • journaling
  • follow my passions
  • practice mindfulness
  • prioritize self-care
  • take responsibility for getting my own needs met
  • stop making excuses and blaming others
  • simplify my life by doing things by hand and needing less material objects
  • drink lots of water
  • get active: yoga, Zumba, walking places (instead of driving)
  • embrace vitalistic chiropratic care
  • read “Changing Habits, Changing Lives”
  • eat real, nutrient-rich food

The emotional aspects took an integral role in the weight loss and actually changing what I ate and exercising more came later. It became more about how I did things than what I actually did. It was a state of mind. It was a gradual, affirming and peaceful process. It seemed as I expanded my awareness of my negative thoughts and habits and detoxified my body/mind/soul by making conscious efforts to process the toxins in a non-judgmental and gentle way, that the weight melted away.

“Strong healthy cells are what make a body strong. How do you help create strong healthy cells? The key lies with the food you put in your mouth, the thoughts you put in your head, and the feelings you place in your heart.” -Susana Belen

When I returned to live by my home town where naturally many of the negative habits and beliefs originated, and I gained most the weight back. I look at the list above and it is easy to see why…many of the positive actions on that list have ceased. I have become obsessed not to disturb other’s peace that I have lost my own. I struggle not to judge my every move, thought, emotion and have a nagging fear that loved ones believe the worst of me. I must believe the best in me and trust that I deserve to treat myself right, no matter what. I vow to consciously revive this list with unconditional love and trust. I also ate a lot more fair-trade, organic dark chocolate 😉

As change is life’s only constant, I find embracing change a good habit to learn. I appreciate this in depth blog about the difficulties in changing habits: http://www.theemotionmachine.com/changing-habits-what-keeps-me-stuck-in-old-ways

To Let Go doesn’t mean to stop caring; it means

 I can’t do it for someone else.

To Let Go is not to cut myself off; it’s the realization that

 I can’t control another.

To Let Go is not to enable; but to

allow learning from natural consequences.

To Let Go is to admit powerlessness, which means

 the outcome is not in my hands.

To Let Go is not to try to change or blame others,

I can only change myself.

To Let Go is not to care for, but to 

care about.

To Let Go is not to fix, but 

to be supportive.

To Let Go is not to judge, but to

allow another to be a human being.

To Let Go is to not be in the middle arranging outcomes, but to

allow others to effect their own outcomes.

To Let Go is not to be protective, it is to 

permit another to face reality.

To Let Go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let Go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to

search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To Let Go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to 

take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.

To Let Go is not to criticize and regulate another, but to

try to become what I dream I can be.

To Let Go is not to regret the past, but to 

grow and live for the future.

To Let Go is to fear less and LOVE more…

author unknown

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” ~Dr. Seuss

This quote soothes my insecurities, yet I continue to have an internal conflict… You see for me, EVERYONE matters: every thought, feeling, action has meaning and is valid. I care tremendously about the well-being of others. The slightest glare, ambivalent gesture, negative vibration, or discomfort feels like a punch to the gut as well as triggers fears and defense mechanisms. The mere thought of any soul suffering from my negligence, pains me.

So everyday, I walk a fine line of taking full responsibility for my actions, thoughts, and feelings whilst mindfully observing how they may filter out onto others. I realize now that I do not deserve to suffer as much as I do and by no means am I responsible for all the pain that occurs in my world. Sadly, it took me decades to figure this out, as I felt cursed much of my life. Faithfully, I now know I am blessed with great awareness, sensitivity, and empathy, and these gifts are in a sense, my super powers.

I still get pulled under by the waves of emotion, other’s influences, and flooded with negative tapes and reactions. I take deep breaths and filter the negative thoughts through positive, healing ones. I usually read from one of my bibles like the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu. Here is my most comforting chapter:

Those on the Way of Tao, like water
need to accept where they find themselves;
and that may often be where water goes to the lowest places, and that is right.

Like a lake the heart must be calm and quiet
having great depth beneath it.

the sage rules with compassion,
and his word needs to be trusted.

the sage needs to know like water
how to flow around the blocks
and how to find the way through without violence.

Like water, the sage should wait
for the moment to ripen and be right:

water, you know, never fights 

it flows around without harm.

I am water. I will flow with all the emotions and circumstances without violence. I understand that just as my negative behaviors are a sign of internal stress and negativity for me to process, I accept that everyone else’s negativity is a reflection of where they are on their journey.  I am a medium for processing suffering and experiencing  joy and peace. I empower other’s innate resources. I trust the divine in you and me to see this as an opportunity for growth and connection. I will do my best to respond with unconditional love and respect because EVERYONE MATTERS, including myself.

I recommend reading this wonderful writing Everyone Matters… by Bruce Scott of http://www.brucescott.org 


		

The energy we choose to direct at our children (and all living things) will be absorbed and reflect back out. This process is dynamics and rapid especially when you consider the following:

  • Children are processing most information using theta and alpha brain waves which allows all data coming into all senses to enter the brain unconsciously like in an hypnotic trance see http://www.renewal.ca/nlp55.html
  • Our bodies our comprised of 75-85% water and water has been shone to crystallized into beautiful flowing shapes when messages of love are expressed toward it or disjointed and darkened when messages of hate are expressed  http://www.spiritofmaat.com/archive/aug1/consciouswater.html
The saddest part for me is that much of  our systems (e.g. schools, legal, medical, families) are based on fear and power to negatively control individuals to obey a higher, authoritarian figure (hence not God/Tao/Spirit i.e.). The punishments, deprivations, and negative labels create victims, abusers, dis-ease, and conflict whilst inhibiting our innate resources and unique talents.
Many of the so called negative behaviors we are trying to stop are actually qualities we would want in our leaders, our bosses, our partners, or of by-standers of a crime…don’t we want people to share their feelings and stand up for what they believe in? If we believe in humanity, our country, our family, our selves then wouldn’t we be standing up for each other? Wouldn’t shining a light on everyone’s behaviors cultivate positivity and prosperity for all?
Look at the positive side of a negative behavior
                                                   * Believe good intentions * Avoid criticism and blame * Appreciate something, anything

 You’ will be amazed what shines.

Here’s an awesome list to get you started:

Thank you DARE to be You and Dr David MacPhee for giving me this handout a decade ago before I had kids;-)

“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace…”

My mother use to keep a quote from the Serenity Prayer on our bathroom mirror so as a teenager it did give me daily strength. I am understanding more and more the difference and accepting what is meant to Be. I just included this quote in a card for mom to be delivered in her hospital room. It pains me to be a world away from her in this state. Her mother loved lillies and I love roses so I had some sent to her room. I have a strong belief that this huge health expression is a natural purging of all the emotional, chemical, and physical toxins she has absorbed in her life. The gift of new blood, oxygen, and unconditional TLC will guide her to exactly where she needs to be.

I love you Mom! May you feel and Believe the love you truly deserve.

Image

This is one of my mom’s paintings.

“Strong feelings do not vanish by being banished; but they do diminish in intensity and lose their sharp edges when the listener accepts them with sympathy and understanding.”  ~Haim Ginott between parent and child

It is a sad myth that listening to one’s negative feelings or outbursts will reinforce their negative behavior. There is a huge difference between giving unconditional love and meeting vital needs versus “giving in”. I truly want to help people learn how to see this difference. To embrace the discomfort as well as genuinely accept, validate, and truly listen to another’s pain. I know it is not easy, more often gut-wrenching and you usually won’t get the ideal result you were expecting, yet it will make a difference. Imagine if more of our communications with loved ones and strangers were more supportive than critical, then just maybe a few less of us will be buried feeling alone, afraid, and miserable…

Because in the end, when we all see the ugly things that we see, and we think the ugly things that we think, and we sometimes even vocalize those things to the people around us, it turns out that we are all unknowingly screaming the exact same words to each other.

“I want to be okay, damn it. I want to be okay.”

If you close your eyes for a moment and listen, you’ll hear the world’s cry.

“I want to be loved. I want to feel normal.”

Listen closer.

“I want to not be judged.”

The more you are able to hear it, the louder it gets.

“I want what I believe to be okay.”

Louder. Louder. Louder still.

“I want to not be hated for who I am.”

Until suddenly it’s deafening.

“I am a good person. And I deserve to be loved.”

That’s what we’re all really crying.

Through the verdicts, and the odium, and the cries of foul-play. That’s what we’re all really crying.

“I am a good person. And I deserve to be loved.”

~Dan Pierce of Single Dad Laughing

click link for full article “The nine words that just might fix us all” http://www.danoah.com/2011/12/the-nine-words-that-just-might-fix-us-all.html

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