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“I hope that by this point you begin to see how your simple, sweet words about raising children are actually harmful. Perhaps you’re wondering if I want to have a dialogue with you, and talk about what you really meant by your early book. Perhaps you’ve adopted a policy of grace, and now recommend that parents spank less and not on bare skin? The truth is, I don’t want to know. If I needed justification or reasoning for your teachings, I could use your book as a reference. What I’d like you to do is reconsider your position after carefully looking at how your teachings affected me. Would a loving parent really want to raise a child to fear people, to wear a cheerful and obedient shell, or to live with PTSD and other ailments? I hope the answer you come to is No. I hope that you realize that hitting a child for any reason is not loving. Then, I hope, you join the cause to end corporal punishment in the homes of children. I came into this world a happy, healthy baby. For no other reason than the Roy Lessin spankings, I now fight for my physical and mental health. Please help others and me so this doesn’t happen to any more children. Help end corporal punishment. Help end child abuse. If Jesus said, “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung round his neck and he were thrown into the sea,” (Mark 9:42), I can’t image that God would condone such behavior in people who claim to be loving parents.”

This is just the end of a letter that I highly suggest one reads by clicking on link: http://www.drmomma.org/2010/01/how-spanking-changed-my-life.html

I see the side effects that this gut wrenching letter depicts on a regular basis. I understand why spanking exists. All negative behaviour comes from a state of stress (http://www.postinstitute.com/resources/the-stress-model.html). We only know what we know. It takes an instant to feel fear and if we have no memory of love in that specific instance, then we react with “fight”. There is tremendous brain research to support and explain this chemical process. Check out  http://www.wavetrust.org/ and http://www.childtrauma.org/index.php/articles

Any one who spanks is really doing the best they can with the resources they have. We must consider the resources that were given (or beat in-) to them, and so on.  If we react with force and punishment, then we continue to strengthen the fear-based brain connections. We must find more resources to respond with love and reduce the stress for all humankind to transcend the grips of fear and violence.

Fortunately, the easiest and most effective tools are free to everyone: DEEP BREATHS and ears to LISTEN.

http://themindfulparent.org/The_Mindful_Parent/Welcome.html

To listen to Mindful Parent tip of the week, click on this link Where is next breath by Mindful Parent


Will You Be There lyrics

Hold Me
Like The River Jordan
And I Will Then Say To Thee
You Are My Friend

Carry Me
Like You Are My Brother
Love Me Like A Mother
Would You Be There?

Mary
Tell Me Will You Hold Me
When Wrong, Will You Scold Me
When Lost Will You Find Me?

But They Told Me
A Man Should Be Faithful
And Walk When Not Able
And Fight Till The End
But I’m Only Human

Everyone’s Taking Control Of Me
Seems That The World’s
Got A Role For Me
I’m So Confused
Will You Show To Me
You’ll Be There For Me
And Care Enough To Bear Me

(Hold Me) show me
(Lay Your Head Lowly)
told me
(Softly Then Boldly)
yeah
(Carry Me There)
I’m Only Human

(Lead Me)
hold me
(Love Me And Feed Me)
yea yeah
(Kiss Me And Free Me)
yeah
(I Will Feel Blessed)
I’m Only Human

(Carry)
Carry
(Carry Me Boldly)
Carry yeah
(Lift Me Up Slowly)
yeah
(Carry Me There)
I’m Only Human

(Save Me)
save me
(Heal Me And Bathe Me)
lift me up, lift me up
(Softly You Say To Me)
(I Will Be There)
I Will Be There

(Lift Me)
i’m gonna care
(Lift Me Up Slowly)
(Carry Me Boldly)
yeah
(Show Me You Care)
Show Me You Care

(Hold Me)
whoooo
(Lay Your Head Lowly)
i get lonely some times
(Softly Then Boldly)
i get lonely
(Carry Me There)
yeah yeah carry me there
yeah yeah yeah

[Spoken]
In Our Darkest Hour
In My Deepest Despair
Will You Still Care?
Will You Be There?
In My Trials
And My tribulations
Through Our Doubts
And Frustrations
In My Violence
In My Turbulence
Through My Fear
And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I’ll Never Let You Part
For You’re Always In My Heart.

I recently reheared this song playing at end of Free Willy movie. With my newborn in my arms,  she started to sway to the music in her sleep. I was blown away by the lyrics. I immediately felt remorseful wondering how I missed Michael’s pain. Considering the circumstances of his death, it is clear to me the suffering he was going through. Sleeping problems seem to go hand-in-hand with depression and anxiety. There are no more distractions, your body needs to go to sleep but it is like being locked in a dark room with your arch-nemesis.  I am so happy I finally won this battle with no drugs. Anything is possible with determination, love, and patience.

How to Love Unconditionally

from wikiHow – The How to Manual That You Can Edit

Love is unconditional when it endures despite unfavorable circumstances. [1]People have a hard enough time figuring out what love is, and then there’s unconditional love, which some will argue is the only kind of real love.

Steps

  1. Realize that everyone, no matter what creed, color, or situation deserves love. As humans we all want to be happy and feel loved. We should want this not only for ourselves but for others as well.
  2. Think of love as an action, not a feeling. A feeling is something we get from someone, and when we stop getting it, we often change our behavior somehow. If we have to do something, or be a certain way, in order to receive love, that love is jgjhgvnhc nvconditional. Instead, if you start thinking of love as the behavior itself, the reward becomes the feeling you get when you act a certain way, not when someone else acts a certain way. And you can continue acting this way all the time, regardless of how other people behave–it becomes an act of generosity. As Stephanie Dowrick says, “love is not love except when it is generous.”[2]
  3. Always ask yourself, what is the most loving thing I can do for this particular person in this particular moment? Love isn’t really one size fits all; what might be a loving act toward one person could be harmful to another person, in that it doesn’t help them get closer to becoming a truly happy human being. Unconditional love is a new decision you need to make in every situation, not a hard and fast rule you can apply to everyone all the time.
  4. Remember that love doesn’t mean making sure someone is always comfortable. If you believe loving someone is about fostering their growth, most people acknowledge that pain and discomfort are part of growth, and if you shield someone from all pain or discomfort, you are not loving them. So, don’t confuse loving someone with blindly making them comfortable, satisfying their desires, and shielding them from any kind of pain. If you do, you are only making it difficult for them to grow as human beings.
  5. Consider that if love is unconditional, it is given to everyone freely, including yourself. Another reason the previous step is important is because if you don’t follow it, you’re well on your way to becoming a people pleaser, which means you are not being unconditionally loving to yourself. Instead, recognize the times when doing what is best for you will occasionally have you out of sync with another – Maryanne Radmacher calls this understanding “the difference between tolerance and allowing mediocrity a plot in your garden.”[3]
  6. Forgive. Even if someone doesn’t apologize, it’s inherently loving to both them and yourself to let go of your anger and resentment toward them. Keep in mind Piero Ferrucci’s advice that forgiving “is not something we do, but something we are.”[4] Again, don’t mistake being willing to forgive for letting people walk all over you. How you act (lovingly) toward the person will vary, but your ability to practice unconditional love will be clouded if you hold on to negative feelings.
  7. Gauge how you feel. If you’ve ever had a moment when you practiced unconditional love, whether spontaneously or deliberately, you probably felt energized and liberated, not drained and burdened. The more often you feel the the former after acting a certain way, the more you’re loving unconditionally.

Tips

  • Many people feel a sweep of unconditional love upon the birth of a child. That’s not to say everyone does or should, or that you can’t feel it otherwise. It just may be a useful way for some people to remember what unconditional love is supposed to feel like.

Related wikiHows

Sources and Citations

  1. Should love be unconditional?, http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/201005/should-love-be-unconditional
  2. Stephanie Dowrick, Choosing happiness, p. 383, (2005), ISBN 1-74114-521-X
  3. Maryanne Radmacher, Lean forward into your life, p. 155, (2007), ISBN 1-57324-298-5
  4. Piero Ferrucci, The power of kindness, p. 52, (2006), ISBN 978-1-58542-588-4

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Love Unconditionally. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

It beats,

It breathes,

But it does not live.

It goes through all the motions yet is numb to progress.

It holds on indulging in loss, never realizing its own possessions.

And what happens if it cannot trust itself?

It cries.

It yearns.

And eventually, it dies.

Without a definition, it cannot survive.

It is only human to make mistakes, but it is the Consequences that churns its Happiness into Pain.

Pain overpowered by Guilt and Insecurity.

And if the Insecurity isn’t tormenting enough,

Its Uncertainties will horrify.

But it doesn’t end here because after all this,

It is expected to keep believing;

In itself,

In others.

witten in 1996.

I have still spent more of my life feeling like the “it” above than not.  I even came from a family with more resources than most. Was I borne “damaged”? Well if you consider transgenerational trauma and epigenetics, than in a sense, I was. Fortunately, I am aware of the chemical reactions in my brain and have all the resources I need to keep healing.

I am beginning to believe in myself.

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