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I had moments of dysregulation and anxiety over giving a presentation. My son nonchalantly says, “Mom don’t worry. Everyone loves you. God Loves you.”…
His words helped me instantly feel blessed, relieved and positively focused.
Yet later, on the way to the presentation, my brain kept getting triggered to self-doubt, worry, “am I good enough” jargon. I caught my negative self-talk and remembered my son’s words. An internal dialogue began…
I tend to be my worst enemy and critique. I work so hard to give unconditional love, compassion, and kindness to all, yet I am still the hardest on myself and fall into judgmental thinking. Then I was reminded of one of the aspects of organized religion that traumatized me the most…religious people going around calling people sinners and condemning them to hell; one cannot get more judgmental than that. According to the faith I was raised up in, I was going to hell before I turned 15. People wonder why I battled depression and anxiety…what’s the point to keep living when it seems you only fail and let others down?… My mind wanders to a statement I heard that constantly worrying what other’s are thinking of you is living in hell. That definitely describes much of my life, a self fulfilling prophecy as such. I begin to feel angry. I am sick of paying for other’s transgressions: the peers who harassed me, the neighbor who molested me, the friends who slapped and back stabbed me, the boys who used me, the adults who looked the other way or drank and abused too much…
I stopped at a red light and my eyes begin to well. I become cognizant that I am close to my office building and what would people think of red eyes. I chose to redirect my thoughts to my son’s words, “Mom don’t worry. Everyone loves you. God Loves you.”…Then I picture my partner who whenever he hears my children share a brilliant reflection, he smiles at me at says, “That is you.” You see, my partner and my children have taught me more about faith that no religion could touch and surpasses what any holy book could depict. It is in you, in me and everywhere in between. A wisdom and love that runs so deep that my ancestors and future generations dance and weep as one.
My son was feeling very badly about not living up to his potential: not being a good enough son, not listening, being lazy, stupid, playing too many video games, mean brother etc. were some of the negative thoughts he expressed. No matter how much we told him we love him and highlighted all the good things he does, he could not hear us and resisted. As a therapist, I know too well that our attempts were invalidating and actually making him feel worse. That one must first truly listen, accept, validate the speaker’s feelings and expressions so they may be able to process their pain and move on. Yet being a parent, feeling so responsible and sad for hearing your magnificent child feel so bad is hard to accept and cope with.
After becoming conscious of my own insecurities, I then chose to respond by cuddling with him and remaining silent as he cried and vented. I agreed how painful this must feel. I apologized for the times my actions have led him to feel this way and that I will keep working on improving myself. I then shared a story of how I woke up early yesterday and caught a glimpse of the intense orange from the sunrise. I was reminded how blessed we are that *god gives a beautiful new horizon to awake and go to sleep with every day. I thought about Easter approaching and how many are celebrating how Jesus rose from the dead. I told my son that holidays are really just symbols of the gifts god gives us every day. We have been given the gift to rise every day and try again, to be more kind and helpful.
My son immediately said thank you, gave me a kiss and popped up exuberantly. He began to hug and say thank you to all the many items on his bed: his books; his new big, blue, soft blanket; his giant stuffed elephant, his fan, his light. I then read him some stories, the last one was: I Believe In Me. (https://www.facebook.com/I.Believe.In.Me.Affirmations)
I wish everyone to see the beauty and miracles given every day and when you don’t, forgive yourself and others, and rise again.
Deep breaths and baby steps
*I believe god is universal and defined by what you conceive it to be, plural or singular ( Universe, Tao, Mother Nature, deities etc).
An excerpt from last Newsletter of Energy Parenting by Susan McLeod
My parting story is borrowed from Jack Canfield about a mother and a young child. It sums up for me the essence of all things energy parenting:
A research scientist famous for dozens of medical breakthroughs was asked by a reporter why he was able to achieve so much more than the average scientist. He traced it to this early experience: When he was 2 years old, he tried to get the milk out of the refrigerator and ended up spilling all of it on the floor. His mother’s response wasn’t typical. She said, “What a wonderful mess you’ve made! I’ve never seen such a huge puddle of milk. Well, the damage is already done, so would you like to get down and play in the milk before we clean it up?” Indeed, he did. After a few minutes, his mother said, “Whenever you make a mess like this, eventually you’ll have to clean it up. How would you like to do that – with a sponge or a mop or a towel?” After they cleaned it up, the mother said, “What we have here is a failed experiment in how to carry a big bottle of milk with two tiny hands. Let’s go out in the backyard, fill the bottle with water and see if you can discover a way to carry it without dropping it.” The scientist told the reporter he knew at that moment, at that tender age, that he didn’t have to be afraid of making mistakes. He understood that mistakes were just opportunities for learning something new.
Give your children and YOURSELF this same gift of “no mistakes” – freedom to explore living, loving and being human. And…if you feel the need to cry over spilled milk, do it – before or after you clean up and have another go at it! Feelings are our friends and they only need to be felt. They are the flagpoles of our soul; we need not fear them.
I am humbled I ran across this resource when my kids were little as it shown a unique light on my parenting and spiritual journey. It helped give me permission to let go of behavioral management of kids, to just be present and enjoy my children. The fact that I felt I even needed permission to do this gives more credence to the unnecessary suffering I endured from my messes. I don’t have to make up consequences or enforce anything. I can just use what is inherent and experience the manifestation of human development within the most influential relationship there is: parent and child.
“The patter of rain on the roof, The glint of the sun on the rose; Of life, these the warp and the woof, The weaving that everyone knows. Now grief with its consequent tear, Now joy with its luminous smile; The days are the threads of the year– Is what I am weaving worth while?…
…Am I making the most of the red And the bright strands of luminous gold? Or blotting them out with the thread By which all men’s failure is told? Am I picturing life as despair, As a thing men shall shudder to see, Or weaving a bit that is fair That shall stand as the record of me?” from: Just Folks by Edgar A. Guest Copyright 1917 by The Reilly & Britton
“I have never met a person whose greatest need was anything other than real, unconditional love. You can find it in a simple act of kindness toward someone who needs help. There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame that heals our soul, energizes our spirit and supplies passion to our lives. It is our connection to God and to each other.” – Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
Check out link http://community.charterforcompassion.org/ to commit to acts of kindness
This audio is a bit long, but describes what I have discovered over the 30 odd years of living and healing in about 25 minutes. It seems worth to me. It sums up how genes and enviornment interact to create our subconscious during our first six years of life and plays out in all our relationships from there on.
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rAmbLingsFrOmPEACEmaker 