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Enlightenment

Here’s a link to a biographical talk I gave on what “Light” means to me https://soundcloud.com/waitalks-1/light

For some reason most of my life I have had difficulty following what seemed simple directions. This usually led to people being very frustrated with me and me feeling stupid. “What’s the matter with you!?” seems imprinted in my brain. It’s like I lacked common sense. I also was considered gullible because I truly believed what people said to me. After decades of depression and anxiety, I realized that maybe I am blessed with an uncommon sense, a deep awareness, and understanding of ways not many see. We are meant to be different as we each have a gift to share. Here’ a poem of mine as I discover my gift:

I feel like I am an infinite dimensional being living in a 4D world

Like a star trying to squeeze through a peg hole

I feel forced to live one reality whilst my soul yearns for another

I’m straddled across an abyss, terrified of being torn apart or falling too deep

I know the inherent value of both sides but the pressure to pick pulls at me

I feel stuck, conflicted and intensely in tuned to the extremes

The suffering and fears

The joys and trust 

Who am I and where do I belong?

Enlighten me

Maybe I am not meant to choose, yet be a bridge…

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I have hundreds of writings and insights to share yet whenever I feel inspired to post, I run into a wall, frozen in fear. I am terrified of causing a stir even when I know that evoking emotion is what we need to enlighten and motivate to change. It is as if I am still longing for other’s approval, to tell me I am good enough and my words have value. It’s like I can never shake the F’s in honors English class and will always be a horrible writer. Rationally, I know this is not true yet my soul aches from the former. I even know that it will be hard press to get others to believe in me, if I don’t believe in myself.  I am grateful that I have many aspects of my life where I do exude confidence and trust. I am blessed to have discovered that what ever I do focus my light on, it flourishes.  I look forward to the day when my light no longer scares me.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.”  ~Marianne Williamson

“Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning how to dance in the rain.”

My son and I were playing outside when a storm blew in and he started to dance in the rain. No words could capture the peace and joy that exuded from my son as he danced. The harder the rain and the louder the thunder, the freer he became. His exuberance was so contagious that it lured me from my self-conscious, over-concerned lull to dance. Yet a twinge of guilt and negativity jolted through me like lightning. You see even in this moment of extreme happiness, there were loved ones gripped by fear, and possibly perceiving our actions as defiant and careless. Yet many are oblivious to the fact that I am well aware of the havoc violent storms can bring. I have lived through emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive ones. I know the extremes of dying babies. I know firsthand the feeling of being trapped in a pit so deep that death appears as a friend. I also know how precious this moment is for my son as he inherited my hyper-sensitivity to stormy thoughts. It doesn’t take much to trigger us to despair and panic. I have suffered too long under the guise of fears, anxiety, and depression. I have thoroughly assessed the risks and I realized that by letting go of attachment to outcomes, to fear less, and love more, I open my life up to peace and joy. Dancing in the rain are some of my happiest childhood memories and I wrap those moments around me like a security blanket and blessed to share with my son. I make the conscious choice to dance in the rain.

I spent 15 minutes rescuing a honey bee from a glass. Well, actually I felt a bit responsible as its wing was stuck in dried wine at the bottom of a glass. I am the one who drank the wine and left the glass in front of an open window.  I am acutely aware that honey bees are endangered which would be a detriment to our ecosystem.  Ironically, I am highly allergic to bees.

I desperately wanted to save the bee yet was afraid of getting stung. At first I asked my partner to do it.  Gratefully he said “no” and offered a suggestion of gently putting water down side of glass. The bee was still stuck after many attempts. I worried the weight of gravity will force him out too quickly and break his body away from its wing. As I saw its leg flailing in distress, I thought what would calm the bee. What does it do best that would make it feel at ease? A flower! I hung the glass over a flower as the bee went to work and it seconds it was free to be.

Symbolically, my name means “bee” and as I mentioned, I am highly allergic to bees. I was stung on my finger hanging from my monkey bars when I was seven. When the pain stopped, my mom saw my arm swelling up to my neck. I don’t remember anything else in that moment. I know I had to get a shot and my arm was still swollen the next day as I put on my school uniform. From then on, I was terrified of bees running, screaming and flailing away from them.

It wasn’t till I went on a rock climbing trip with a group of strangers that I encountered a bee and I could not risk my usual fearful reaction. I was on top of a 30ft boulder as I’d fall off a cliff. I heard it buzzing and saw it heading toward me. My body wanted to jerk and scream yet being in this precarious situation, I told my self to stay still and calm. Everything would be fine and the bee will fly away. I took many deep breaths. What felt like an eternity, it did fly away. That fateful day happened in 1996 and has been an awesome lesson I have worked hard to apply to every fear I am conscious of.

Taking 15 minutes of my day to save the bee felt so empowering to me just like the day on the boulder.  It reminded me how patient and mindful one shall be in any given moment. I am glad my partner refused because it gave me this opportunity.  Some may think I’m bit crazy for saving something that could kill me, yet to me, this is one of life’s many paradoxes. I am learning to love mosquitoes next:-)

Link to the benefits of bees and honey: http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2012/01/28/bees-death-destroy-food-supply.aspx?e_cid=20120128_DNL_art_1

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