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“Most importantly, do you not see the speed at which a child is crushed or becomes completely defiant when anger rules the roost? Are you that desensitized to the luminosity of your child’s spirit that it doesn’t crush you completely when they flinch or cower in your presence? Is that really what you want your child to do? To fear you?” ~Dan Pearce

I was enthralled when Dan Pearce (aka Single Dad Laughing) wrote about Dads’ roles, ‘breaking children”, as well as about grief and loss in his post,  You just broke your child. Congratulations. I felt relieved and hopeful that someone captured this breakage in such a poignant way that a mass of people were responding.

I witness society breaking children’s spirits like horses and then training them to be obedient to meet their owner’s needs. I had been wanting to write about breaking spirits for years yet could never settle on the right words or approach. I tend to go off on tangents, which is why I describe my writings as ramblings. And to be fair, my priority is to spend as much one on one time engaging and being available to my children and not writing.

Here’s another quote that sums up how powerfully subliminal the negative interference can be on a delicate relationship and vulnerable, developing spirit:

“Beliefs about how the world is going to treat me and how I have to be in order to survive begin to get established in those first minutes and hours of life. And often parents don’t understand that, and they reinforce it. Then we see it reinforced in school. For example, a child may have had a separation at birth and have been really scared. Maybe they had tubes down their throat and they go home and mom and dad are very present and very wonderful, but they don’t understand that every time the baby starts to eat, they get scared and so they spit-up. So mom thinks ‘my breast is no good for the baby’ and mom frowns, and baby gets reinforced that ‘what I’m doing is not acceptable; maybe I’m not acceptable’. So the baby gets more fussy and they get labeled and then the child begins to live up to that label. Mom and dad think ‘we have to control that behavior’ and so we blame them, ‘you’re a bad boy; you’re a bad girl’ or ‘don’t do that; I can’t stand it when you do that’ and the truth is the child is simply afraid.” ~  Marti Glenn, Ph.D.

Even with this awareness, I fell into the same ugly pattern with my first child.  I was flabbergasted by how quickly simple behaviors or utterances from my young son could trigger a wave of insecurities, anger and controlling reactions. I completely understand why this happens now but too much for this post.

When my son was a baby, I use to sing him to sleep to the song Mother from Pink Floyd. I loved the melody but as I sang the lyrics, I became mortified to truly hear them come from my lips. I thought:

Holy crap; this is what I have done… I have put my fears into you… I would not let anything dirty get through… When I thought I was protecting you, I built a wall keeping you from experiencing and touching the very things you needed to feel for yourself to learn, to understand, to grow.

I even tried to rewrite the words to the song so I could keep singing it with a balanced conscience. That failed; like trying to repaint the Mona Lisa. So instead, I chose to change my tune to life. Let go, fear less, and love more is my mantra.

Experiencing the losses of four babies, from 5 weeks to 24-week gestation, gravely propelled my spirit into deeper awakening and embrace this mantra wholeheartedly. After great processing and healing the child within me, I now feel as if my babies were sacrificed to give me greater perspective and a new appreciation for living, especially regarding children’s innate brilliance.

Now my son is 12 now and blows me away daily by his integrity and wisdom. I still get triggered but it is not as frequent, and more so when I am tired, hungry, and stressed (aka dysregulated). When I take care of getting my own needs met, then I can be more patient and mindful for what he needs.  Early in this transition period of letting go of my fears, my son had learned a trick to ease my anxiety by telling me what I wanted to hear, then going ahead and doing what he needed to do. Over time, he proved to me and himself that he can do it without my interference and accomplish more with my trust.

I heard Sobonfu Some share in a documentary, Children are not empty baskets to carry our junk. They come here as people bearing baskets full of goodies that they want to give to the world. We all have a purpose.

So please, let go of your ‘to do’ list and adult expectations. Unplug from technology. Get down to a child’s level, smile, hug, and genuinely play with them. No rules; just BE (a) PRESENT!

Read my post  A Perfect Death about grieving and redefining the most recent death of my baby:

Click link to read the Single Dad Laughing’s full post:


“The patter of rain on the roof, The glint of the sun on the rose; Of life, these the warp and the woof, The weaving that everyone knows. Now grief with its consequent tear, Now joy with its luminous smile; The days are the threads of the year– Is what I am weaving worth while?…

Am I making the most of the red And the bright strands of luminous gold? Or blotting them out with the thread By which all men’s failure is told? Am I picturing life as despair, As a thing men shall shudder to see, Or weaving a bit that is fair That shall stand as the record of me?” from: Just Folks by Edgar A. Guest Copyright 1917 by The Reilly & Britton

“Children are like a river with their own natural flow, pace and direction. If you go against it, the parenting is going to be tough – but if you go with it – it’s an amazing journey.” Parentology

TEDxDubai 2010| Gonan Premfors from Giorgio Ungania on Vimeo.

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