Step 1: I had to accept that my job is stressful and that I cannot control other people’s reactions/behaviors.

Step 2: I had to take responsibility for getting my own needs met.

I finally dragged myself back into therapy and my therapist recommended listening to an EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing; cick here to learn more: http://www.emdr.com/briefdes.htm) CD which plays soothing sounds that alternate playing in each ear to mimic REM (Rapid Eye Movement) Guess what I told her? … “I tried that, it didn’t work.” I did try it two times about a year before. I had put my boom box on my bed (very uncomfortable) and then the CD started skipping at song 4. She said she’d make me a new copy of the CD and I could go buy a portable CD player.

Easy solution right?

Step 3: TRUST

Well, I am a frugal person so I mulled over buying a portable CD player for a couple weeks. My husband didn’t think it was necessary purchase. I thought of all the things he buys that seem frivolous to me and decided to trust my therapist’s suggestion to buy one. Suffering from anxiety of course, I stood in front of the CD players for 20 minutes and still couldn’t decide. I even had to call my sister for advice on which player to get (I am 30 year woman at this point).

Step 4: Put my words into action and implement plans.

I finally bought one for $30, which of course I felt guilty about. I put in the batteries and new EMDR CD to go to bed only to find out that the CD is not working properly; the music was not alternating between ears. I complained to my husband and he suggested maybe the headphones are not in stereo. So he finds me another pair from around the house. It worked!!! I had to listen to the CD twice but I did fall asleep peacefully. When I woke up in the middle of the night and listened to it, and it soothed me again but then I ran into another hurdle…because I was using batteries, the player ran out of power right as I was falling asleep. A few days later, I had no more batteries to replace with. I kept buying more and more batteries but they ran out so quickly. I was so irritated and ready to give up…

Step 5: Love myself through trial and error!!! Give myself permission to feel exasperated and believe in success.

So I told myself: That I can work through this. I know this will work. I have to keep trying.

For a couple weeks I kept trying different power adaptors around the house. On my 4^th attempt about 2 weeks later, I found a working adaptor. Eureka!!! I was able to fall asleep …except the bulkiness of the headphones limited my sleeping positions. I complained again. My husband found me head phones that plug into ear.

Finally, after 20 years I was able to fall asleep with no problems and sleep through the night. The progress was gradual and rocky. I needed to listen to the entire CD a couple times to fall asleep and would still awake in the middle of the night. Then I got to fall asleep after one time through the CD and didn’t wake up in the middle of the night. Eventually, it got to where I’d fall asleep during the first song. After about 3 weeks of listening to the CD every night, I could fall asleep with out it. I changed a problematic behavior and situation in two months with no drugs. Now, I only use it once in a while. It took a heavy dose of: acceptance, taking responsibility, trust; commitment to act with perseverance, unconditional love, and support from people who genuinely care about my needs.

I desperately wanted to save the bee yet was afraid of getting stung. At first I asked my partner to do it.  Gratefully he said “no” and offered a suggestion of gently putting water down side of glass. The bee was still stuck after many attempts. I worried the weight of gravity will force him out too quickly and break his body away from its wing. As I saw its leg flailing in distress, I thought what would calm the bee. What does it do best that would make it feel at ease? A flower! I hung the glass over a flower as the bee went to work and it seconds it was free to be.

Symbolically, my name means “bee” and as I mentioned, I am highly allergic to bees. I was stung on my finger hanging from my monkey bars when I was seven. When the pain stopped, my mom saw my arm swelling up to my neck. I don’t remember anything else in that moment. I know I had to get a shot and my arm was still swollen the next day as I put on my school uniform. From then on, I was terrified of bees running, screaming and flailing away from them.

It wasn’t till I went on a rock climbing trip with a group of strangers that I encountered a bee and I could not risk my usual fearful reaction. I was on top of a 30ft boulder as I’d fall off a cliff. I heard it buzzing and saw it heading toward me. My body wanted to jerk and scream yet being in this precarious situation, I told my self to stay still and calm. Everything would be fine and the bee will fly away. I took many deep breaths. What felt like an eternity, it did fly away. That fateful day  happened 15yrs ago and has been an awesome lesson I have worked hard to apply to every fear I am conscious of.

Taking 15 minutes of my day to save the bee felt so empowering to me just like the day on the boulder.  It reminded me how patient and mindful one shall be in any given moment. I am glad my partner refused because it gave me this opportunity.  Some may think I’m bit crazy for saving something that could kill me, yet to me, this is one of life’s many paradoxes. I am learning to love mosquitoes next:-)

Symbolically, on the same day of this conversation with my son, we recieved word that our dear friend on the other side of the world had chosen to end his life. The waves of grief are upon my family this holiday. A picture, a memory, a song triggers a wave. Sometimes the waves come fast and others slow.  Sometimes the wave feels in the hue of disbelief, or in sadness, and even in anger. All the waves validate the loss of a life source; the giddy laugh and bear hugs we will surely miss.

Even more symboloically, about 2 months ago my son was starting a new adventure: an experiential bio-dynamic farming and life learning group atop the island we live on. It has 360degree views of the ocean, seemingly endless fields and bush country.  It is a Maori custom to give a gift to the land  that you will work. This is done by choosing a treasured item and burying it in the land.  On separate occasions, both my partner and I thought of giving one of the heart-shaped, rose-quartz stones our dear friend gave to us as a wedding gift 12 years ago. When the day came to bury the stone, I felt a bit of sadness separating the hearts. I had read another Maori tradition is to hold a specific stone, put all your worries into it and bury it. My son and I held the heart stone and unloaded our worries. I wept as I handed my son stone to take.

When the waves of grief hit, parts of me wish I would have called our friend to share the story of the stone so just maybe we could have given his worries to the stone and buried them instead of him…What if his landlord would have allowed dogs so my sweet dog could have been his best friend…What if we connected with him when I ran across the envelope he sent 7 music CDs in… I know as the what if’s go on and on, that this fate was already dealt into the cards and his poker face we enjoyed too much. I understand that a few non-events could not prevent this and that an accumulation of many toxins played together to fuse this tragedy. Sadly, this could have be the most “peaceful” end from his prerspective because at least he felt his destiny was his hands. May he finally be able to see his brilliant reflection in all the tears from his loved ones. May everyone with breath left find the courage to share the pain, discover the inherent value we all have regardless of what life gives us, and use our  power to chose love instead of fear.

I am grateful my son is sharing his fears with me and continually processing his thoughts on pain and death. Every painful exchange with my children is a gift and opportunity to practice sharing negative feelings and grow together.

On Pain from The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

source http://www.katsandogz.com/onpain.html

Here are some links of grief:

http://helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm

http://www.childrensgrief.net/info%20-%20helping%20children%20with%20grief%20issues.htm

“Strong feelings do not vanish by being banished; but they do diminish in intensity and lose their sharp edges when the listener accepts them with sympathy and understanding.”  ~Haim Ginott between parent and child

It is a sad myth that listing to one’s negative feelings or outbursts will positively reinforce their negative behavior. There is a huge difference between giving unconditional love and meeting vital needs versus “giving in”. I truly want to help people learn how to see the difference and embrace the discomfort as well as genuinely accept, validate, and listen to another’s pain. I know it is not easy, more often gut-wrenching and you usually won’t get the ideal result you were expecting, yet it will make a difference. Imagine if more of our communications with loved ones and strangers we more supportive than critical, then just maybe a few less of us will be buried feeling alone, afraid, and miserable…

Because in the end, when we all see the ugly things that we see, and we think the ugly things that we think, and we sometimes even vocalize those things to the people around us, it turns out that we are all unknowingly screaming the exact same words to each other.

“I want to be okay, damn it. I want to be okay.”

If you close your eyes for a moment and listen, you’ll hear the world’s cry.

“I want to be loved. I want to feel normal.”

Listen closer.

“I want to not be judged.”

The more you are able to hear it, the louder it gets.

“I want what I believe to be okay.”

Louder. Louder. Louder still.

“I want to not be hated for who I am.”

Until suddenly it’s deafening.

“I am a good person. And I deserve to be loved.”

Shit.

That’s what we’re all really crying.

Through the verdicts, and the odium, and the cries of foul-play. That’s what we’re all really crying.

“I am a good person. And I deserve to be loved.” ~Dan Pierce of Single Dad Laughing

click link for full article “The nine words that just might fix us all” http://www.danoah.com/2011/12/the-nine-words-that-just-might-fix-us-all.html

“there will be no end to the troubles of states, or indeed, of humanity itself, till philosophers are kings in this world, or till those we now call kings and rulers really and truly become philosophers, and political power and philosophy thus come into the same hands, while the many natures now content to follow either to the exclusion of the other are forcibly debarred from doing so. This is what I have hesitated to say so long, knowing what a paradox it would sound; for it is not easy to see that there is no other road to happiness, either for society or the individual.” ~Plato

A form of this quote appeared in the documentary, The Philosopher Kings which is described as an ”an exploration of wisdom in the heart of America’s most prestigious universities. Wisdom is found in the most unlikely places.”  I had no expectations of this movie and was  blown away. I knew I was in for it when I started to cry at the sight of a grown man having created an exact replica of the Mystery Machine.

The picture that will forever be in my heart was toddlers in Haiti having to eat dirt cookies to satisfy their hunger pains. Yes, cookies made of dirt. Now sadly, these may be more nutritious than the processed cookies found in most super markets but still dirt cookies. And they even had to pay five cents for one because they couldn’t even afford rice. I tried explaining this to my seven year old and he couldn’t understand not affording rice. He said, “But rice is so cheap!” On top of this, a man had moved to US to work 2 full time jobs to support his family in Haiti. This man breaks down in tears because he feels he isn’t doing enough to help his people. I could feel the weight of the world on his shoulders and blown away by how much one man can do.

This film came from a Spiritual Cinema movie. I highly recommend checking out their service: http://www.spiritualcinemacircle.com/our-inspirational-movies

When I first saw this slide it was titled “Love based parenting vs Fear based parenting.” It displayed vividly the continuum I have felt in my heart, the dichotomy that exists in our society, and the constant conflict I face when I show others love based interventions. It is impossible to believe they truly work when you are in the grips of fear and perpetually stressed. One is constantly being triggered into a reactionary state when our stress buckets are full and our vital needs are neglected. Taking deep breaths and becoming mindful of our thoughts, feelings, and actions helps us slow down and choose an appropriate loving and respectful RESPONSE to relieve stress and get every one’s needs met. Feeling safe is VITAL for optimal growth and connection. Choose LOVE, please.

click link for full webinar from Dr Bryan Post and Helen Timpone: http://www.postinstitute.com/PostU/webinar.pdf

For more about ocytocin read: http://www.amazon.com/Oxytocin-Factor-Tapping-Hormone-Healing/dp/0738207489

http://compassiondw.wordpress.com/2011/03/23/relieve-stress-with-oxytocin/

When anything goes wrong, I believe It’s all my fault.

When I break something or make a mess, I believe I am a complete failure and utterly stupid.

Sadly, I have passed this same negative tape to my son. It has grown more apparent the more I expand my awareness for it.

As we were getting ready to leave one day, he boistrously bounced into the wall and a picture frame crashed to the floor. As I am aware that things breaking is one of my triggers, my body viscerally reacted negatively. Almost simultaneously, my son hung his head down saying  ”I’m so stupid.” As soon as possible, I told myself out loud to let it go and move onto to next step. Unexpectedly, he went back to the frame to try to fix it and I reacted negatively again as I was afraid he’d get hurt from glass and we were under a time crunch.

His head hung in shame again, he stammered toward the door, muttering “Its all my fault.”

The next feelings and thoughts poured through me in a matter of milliseconds….At first I was filled with anger and dissapointment of how could he feel so bad of himself; how I don’t have the time to deal with this now; how many times do we have to go through this…then feelings of guilt and shame came of  how could I have let this self-hatred seep into my son’s self consciousness and how come I cannot heal us both and get over it…

I cought the negtive tape going wild in my mind and chose to give myself and my son the same love and compassion I wish to give everyone.

As my son turned the door handle to escape outside, I told myself I must not let him start his special day this way. I ran to him as boistrouly as he bounced into the wall just moments before, pulled his head up and bellowed “Raise your head.” As this was happening so quickly, I could still feel the tension in my hands.  His look instantly told me to get my body, tone, and words to match the message of love I wanted to give. I hugged him and began singing,

I love you no matter what glass breaks.

I kissed him in tune to my melody on his neck and I looked at his eyes as they began to well up. I continued to sing:

I love you no matter what breaks.

again I repeatedly kissed him on his neck and as I saw tears beginning to fall, I sang:

You could knock the house down and all I would care is that you were safe and sound.

followed with more kisses, he tearfully said,

“That is the kindest thing I have ever heard.”

I responded that every word of it was true and we hugged. His younger sister who was watching the whole thing then joyfully pleaded, “I want kisses on the neck too.” We went on to have a great day and I believe some of those negative messages have healed. I now sing the same song to myself when I make a mess or break something;-)

“The simple phrase Go with the flow is actually very significant spiritually. The ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus declared that life is like a river – you cannot step into it in the same place twice. Existence is always new, yet we are tempted to be bring old reactions to it. When we find ourselves resisting anything – which basically means saying no – we are usually trying to impose an old belief or habit on a new situation.

The law of Least Effort bids us to recognize the newness of life by allowing it to unfold without interference. It tells us to be in the moment, to look for Nature’s help, and stop blaming anyone or anything outside ourselves. In the flow, spirit is already organizing the millions upon millions of details that uphold life – from the infinite processes needed to keep a single cell alive vast intricacies of evolving universe. By connecting the spirit, we ride this cosmic organizing power and take advantage of it.”

From The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success for Parents: Guiding Your Children to Success and Fulfilment by Deepak Chopra

I checked this book out from my chiropractor’s office and really enjoying. It gives concrete and simple examples of how to talk to your children about profound spiritual lessons. The Seven Spiritual Laws (from child’s point of view) are as follows:

1. Everything is possible.
2. If you want something, give it.
3. When you make a choice, you change the future.
4. Don’t say no – go with the flow.
5. Everytime you wish or want, you plant a seed.
6. Enjoy the journey.
7. You are here for a reason.

A parent isn’t an authority. You and you child are both souls; you are both embarked on a journey of soul making…every family is a communion of souls.

“When a loss occurs in life, it disrupts the physiologic system of the body. The cellular system constricts into survival and recovery as it seeks to restore itself from the shock of loss. When we lose something or someone important to us, we actually experience a cellular disruption within our bodymind system, this is the essence of grief. It is jarring to the physical, emotional, and psychological core of who we are. The healing of this experience requires the ability to express, process, and understand what has occurred within the context of a loving and supportive relationship. ..

“The children need to be nurtured, fed well, loved and also provided an open environment to express their sadness, ask questions, and be angry if that is what they are moved to do.

“This is the foundation of a healing environment for trauma. Research indicates that the quicker such an environment and opportunity can be provided, the more effect it will have on reducing trauma symptoms later. If this is not done the traumatic experience can be stored away within the bodymind system and can impact the individual for many years to come.

“Grieving is not easy because it hurts, but it does not have to be difficult either. We merely need to trust that relationships are safe and our feelings will not kill us, because they won’t. And if you are alone and need to grieve, trust that your tears are heard, they are felt, even though you may not realize it. As soon as you can find a support group, a counselor, or a friend that will support you as you open up and let go. It’s an ongoing process as your body recovers from its loss yet each effort to be open to what you feel will make the recovery process much quicker. Before you know it the pain you once experienced in such a constricting way has become a peaceful memory with a tinge of sadness as your body reflects the meaning the person held in your life.” ~Dr Bryan Post  https://thepostinstitute.infusionsoft.com/app/hostedEmail/765158/c3d97408a643d681

Pain is pain and cannot be measured: a lost teddy bear is another’s lost wedding ring; a broken leg is another’s cancer; a breakup is another’s death…it all hurts regardless. Reliable unconditional love and empathetic listening heals all whilst ignorance and judgments build a wall.

This quote soothes my insecurities, yet when I first read it I had an instant internal conflict. You see for me, EVERYONE matters: every thought, feeling, action has meaning and is valid. I care tremendously about the well-being of others. The slightest glare, ambivalent gesture, negative vibration, or discomfort feels like a punch to the gut as well as triggers fears and defense mechanisms. The mere thought of any soul suffering from my negligence, pains me.

SO everyday, I walk a fine line of taking full responsibility for my actions, thoughts, and feelings whilst mindfully observing how they may filter out onto others. I realize now that I do not deserve to suffer as much as I do and by no means am I responsible for all the pain that occurs in this world. Sadly it took me decades to figure this out, as I felt cursed much of my  life. Faithfully, I now know I am blessed with great awareness, sensitivity, and empathy, and these gifts are in a sense, my super powers .

I still get pulled under by the waves of emotion, other’s influences, and flooded with negative tapes and reactions. I take deep breaths and filter the negative thoughts through positive, healing ones. I usual read from one of my bibles like the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu. Here is  my most comforting chapter:

Those on the Way of Tao, like water
need to accept where they find themselves;
and that may often be where water goes to the lowest places, and that is right.

Like a lake the heart must be calm and quiet
having great depth beneath it.

the sage rules with compassion,
and his word needs to be trusted.

the sage needs to know like water
how to flow around the blocks
and how to find the way through without violence.

Like water, the sage should wait
for the moment to ripen and be right:

water, you know, never fights

it flows around without harm.

I am water. I will flow with all the emotions and circumstances with out  violence. I understand that just as my negative behaviors are a sign of internal stress and negativity for me to process, I accept that everyone else’s negativity is a reflection of where they are on their journey.  I am a medium for processing suffering and experiencing  joy and peace. I empower other’s innate resources. I trust the divine in you and me to see this as an opportunity for growth and connection. I will do my best to respond with unconditional love and respect because EVERYONE MATTERS, including myself.

Click on Everyone Matters… to read beautiful words by Bruce Scott of www.brucescott.rg