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”The essential message of unconditional love is one of liberation: You can be whoever you are, express all your thoughts and feelings with absolute confidence. You do not have to be fearful that love will be taken away. You will not be punished for your openness and honesty…There may be days when disagreements and disturbing emotions may become between us. There may be times when psychological or physical miles may lie between us. But I have given my word of my commitment…So feel free to be yourself, to tell me of your negative and positive reactions. I cannot always predict my reactions or guarantee my strength, but one thing I do know: I will not reject you! I am committed to your growth and happiness… There is nothing else that can expand the human soul, actualize the human potential for growth, or bring a person into the full possession of life than a love which is unconditional. We have labored for so long under the delusion that corrections, criticism, and punishments stimulate a person to grow. We have rationalized the taking out our own unhappiness and incompleteness in many destructive ways…Unconditional love is the only soil in which the seed of a human person can grow…Of course, free will is a factor in every human life. Everyone must say his or her ‘yes’ to growth and integrity. But there are prerequisites. And one of these is someone must empower me to believe in myself and to be myself. ”
Excerpt from Unconditional Love by John Powell
This description of love is the epiphany of what I aspire to cultivate. I am blessed to reap the benefits of this intense intercourse. My marriage has liberated (and challenged) me in ways I have never dreamed. The problem in lies that all though we all deserve this unconditional love, we become to feel entitled to it. This entitlement then distorts our efforts to give our love unconditionally as well as thwarting those who wish to give it back. It very quickly becomes a volcano of unmet needs and hurt. I see this entitlement push our children over the edge and make amuck of marriages. We wonder how a couple can be so in love on their wedding day then filing for restraining orders or divorce years later. When I listen to people talk to their children and/or partner, I am not surprised by our state of affairs. So when your child says they hate you, or your partner says they no longer love you (although they usually “act out” way before ever saying this, and kids are more honest and direct), do you retaliate with the things they did wrong or empathize with their fear and pain? After all, whose entitled to be entitled?
“Strong feelings do not vanish by being banished; but they do diminish in intensity and lose their sharp edges when the listener accepts them with sympathy and understanding.” ~Haim Ginott between parent and child
It is a sad myth that listing to one’s negative feelings or outbursts will positively reinforce their negative behavior. There is a huge difference between giving unconditional love and meeting vital needs versus “giving in”. I truly want to help people learn how to see the difference and embrace the discomfort as well as genuinely accept, validate, and listen to another’s pain. I know it is not easy, more often gut-wrenching and you usually won’t get the ideal result you were expecting, yet it will make a difference. Imagine if more of our communications with loved ones and strangers we more supportive than critical, then just maybe a few less of us will be buried feeling alone, afraid, and miserable…
Because in the end, when we all see the ugly things that we see, and we think the ugly things that we think, and we sometimes even vocalize those things to the people around us, it turns out that we are all unknowingly screaming the exact same words to each other.
“I want to be okay, damn it. I want to be okay.”
If you close your eyes for a moment and listen, you’ll hear the world’s cry.
“I want to be loved. I want to feel normal.”
Listen closer.
“I want to not be judged.”
The more you are able to hear it, the louder it gets.
“I want what I believe to be okay.”
Louder. Louder. Louder still.
“I want to not be hated for who I am.”
Until suddenly it’s deafening.
“I am a good person. And I deserve to be loved.”
Shit.
That’s what we’re all really crying.
Through the verdicts, and the odium, and the cries of foul-play. That’s what we’re all really crying.
“I am a good person. And I deserve to be loved.” ~Dan Pierce of Single Dad Laughing
click link for full article “The nine words that just might fix us all” http://www.danoah.com/2011/12/the-nine-words-that-just-might-fix-us-all.html
These ideas listed below is my first attempt of a handout that goes along with an interactive workshop for families where I live. The title “Be Happens” is the phrase my 2yr old coined from all the times I say “it happens” when we spill, and me playing “Don’t Worry, Be happy” to relieve my stress. She now sweetly says, “Be happens” whenever we mess up.
Be Happens*: Resilience building for kids (and their caregivers:-)
*All the thoughts, feelings, and actions that happen in any moment within our body, mind, & heart.
Resilience: the ability to cope effectively in the face of stress, adversity, and potentially traumatic experiences.
Stress: anything emotional, mental, physical, or chemical that is prolonged, unpredictable, and overwhelming, and continues on unexpressed, unprocessed, and/or misunderstood
Dysregulation: being in a state of STRESS beyond our threshold of tolerance resulting in changes of the chemistry and functioning of our brain/body connection. Dysregulation => dysfunctional survival behaviours => creates unconscious emotions of fear =>activates flight/flight/freeze mode of reactions.
All negative behavior comes from a state of STRESS and signals an unmet need.
Emotional Regulation: the ability to experience a feeling, know that the feeling signals a need and then know how to get that need met.
Inconsistent amounts or quality (unique to each individual) of the following vital needs may trigger Stress/Dysregulation :
- Nutrition/Hydration
- Temperature
- Sleep
- Level of stimulation (from all senses)
- Connection/respectful touch
- processing negative thoughts, feelings, toxins
Be Detectives as a family and spy around for what might be triggering you to act out…
Get regulated together by doing the following:
- Take Deep breaths
- Eat/Drink water
- Rest/Sleep/Meditate
- Reduce or change stimulation (i.e. adjust temp, turn off electronics, lower noise level, get fresh air and sunlight)
- In crease production of happy, calming hormones by doing fun, interactive activities such as smiling, silly faces, singing, music, hugging, playing games, tickling, dancing., exercising, attend social events, spending special one-on-one with each other
- Process negative feelings/thoughts by drawing, acting out, playing, reflective listening, asking open ended questions, identifying/labeling possible feelings, empathize
Making healthy habits that meet your vital needs will help regulate you body, mind, & heart connections as well as harmonize your thoughts, feelings, actions, and RELATIONSHIPS.
View these links for more info on children’s resilience and stress:
http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/attachment-and-development-resilience
http://brainwave.org.nz/wp-content/uploads//Stress-Article-2010.pdf
This is also a synopsis of some highlights I have learned from these amazing people and have peacefully weaved into my life:
Barbara Wetzel http://www.theergonomiccouple.com/
Juli Alvarado http://www.coaching-forlife.com/
Heather Forbes http://www.beyondconsequences.com/
Bryan Post http://www.postinstitute.com/
Bruce Perry http://childtrauma.org/
Randal and Sarah Farrant http://vital-wellbeing.com/ http://vitalmoms.com/
“The first three years of life provides the template for all future relationships.” ~John Bowlby
“When a baby is in the womb it is the emotional state of the mother which decides how her baby’s brain will develop…he gets his dose of mother’s molecules-of-emotion through the placenta. If a baby is flooded in the hormones of stress he puts his growth effort into the part of the brain that is designed to deal with stress and threat – the flight or fight part of brain. He cannot do differently…When the baby in the womb is marinated in hormones of peacefulness, then he is free to get into to developing his higher brain functions. These are the structures he will need for highest human qualities like love, trust, beauty, respect, empathy, and truth…
…the womb provides everything the baby needs…the mother-baby couple is the First Partnership. It is from this partnership that the baby learns to make relationships…Wise cultures are child-wise, and child-wise cultures do everything they can to ensure the mother and baby get off to the best start in the first 3 years of life. They understand the health of their culture depends on it…If the baby has a bonded relationship with mum, he grows heart-brain connections for the highest human qualities and so can make peaceful relationships with everyone in the group.” ~Pennie Brownlee, Dance with me in the Heart
Please watch this series on cutting edge research on brain development and relationships. Our world desperately needs this level of understanding if we are to maximize our human potential and achieve peace:
http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/series
“If your baby could tell you what she really wants from you, she would tell you that she would like these three wishes: to feel safe, to feel loved, and to be respected.” ~Pennie Brownlee
Click this link to watch the webinar on Parenting with the Brain in Mind: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1LwEdsVImk
“What is done to children they will do to society.” ~Dr Karl Menninger
I ran across the book, Summerhill: A Radical Approach to Child Rearing by A.S. Neil about a year or two ago as cited in Norm Lee’s site http://www.nopunish.net/pwp-ch2.htm. He writes “Neill taught me how extraordinary the possibilities when we really respect children, and place our trust in them and the democratic process.” I have not read the whole book, yet it speaks my language on many levels and greatly aligned with my research and experience. It feels validating that someone has had success using a loved-based and diplomatic approach. I also just read in Becoming Attached that John Bowlby (father of attachment theory) was a fan of Summerhill and progressive education.
I aspire to create safe-heaven like Summerhill on the island I now live and my sweet home Chicago. I will create a place where all children are accepted and will get their vital needs met. They will get unconditional love and respect they deserve. Where they will be safe to express and process all their thoughts and feelings. Where there is no boss because they are free to be their own boss and given tools and opportunities to regulate themselves. We will create a homestead to nourish ourselves from food to knowledge. Emotional intelligence, mindfulness and inspired, hands-on learning are the experience.
I have faith that we will make this dream come true
We will heal and transcend the suffering, negativity and the fear
The essence of free will and trust will emanate…
Here a few random quotes from the book:
“The thoughtful parent will be shocked to realize the extent of pressure and power that he is unwittingly using against the child. This book should provide new meanings for the words love, approval, and freedom… Children reared by such methods will develop within themselves the qualities of reason, love, integrity, and courage…”
“Obviously, a school that makes active children sit at desks studying mostly useless
subjects is a bad school. It is a good school only for those who believe in such a
school, for those uncreative citizens who want docile, uncreative children who will fit
into a civilization whose standard of success is money.”“Well, we set out to make a school in which we should allow children freedom to be
themselves. In order to do this, we had to renounce all discipline, all direction, all
suggestion, all moral training, and all religious instruction. We have been called
brave, but it did not require courage. All it required was what we had–a complete
belief in the child as a good, not an evil, being. For almost forty years, this belief in
the goodness of the child has never wavered; it rather has become a final faith.”“We are human like everyone etc, and our human frailties often come into conflict with our theories. In the average home, if a child breaks a plate, father or mother makes a fuss–the plate becoming more important than the child. In Summerhill, if a maid or a child drops a pile of plates I say nothing and my wife says nothing. Accidents are accidents. But if a child borrows a book and leaves it out in the rain, my wife gets angry because books mean much to her. In such a case, I am personally indifferent, for books have little value for me. On the other hand, my wife seems vaguely surprised when I make a fuss about a ruined chisel. I value tools but tools mean little to her.”
“I think that the Freudian emphasis on aggression is due to the study of homes and schools as they are. You cannot study canine psychology by observing the retriever on a chain. Nor can you dogmatically theorize about human psychology when humanity is on a very strong chain–one fashioned by generations of life haters.”
You can read the whole book here: http://www.scribd.com/doc/5081386/summerhill
Excerpts from the Book—Passage of Change by Nancy Marie…
Our beliefs come from our experiences of what we think we see.
Gaining clarity about them
Can really set us free.
“When does all this happen?
Where does it take place?
How can I find the beliefs
That make my life a rat race?”
The whole process beings
While we are in the womb
Because that’s where Mother Nature
Prepares us to grow and bloom.
“How could I form a belief
Before I was even born?
How could I have an opinion
When I was barely a form?”
“Your mother’s beliefs and perceptions were chemically passed to you
By how she reacted
And what she thought was true.
“Your cells knew she was preparing
You to live your new life.
So it listened to her messages
Whether harmony or strife.”
“That set up a pattern.
A way of approaching each day.
So unless you change the message
Your life may go the same way.”
“If you received the message:
Life is filled with harm,
Your brain would sound
Your protection alarm.”
“Your cells would stop growth
So they could defend instead.
Until a new message
Was heard in your head.”
This excerpt was included in a newsletter from my chiropractor. Right now in my life I am working very hard at rewiring the anxious and fearful connections in my head and body. I am filling my mind and soul with all the loving and compassionate messages I need to hear to keep healing and thriving.
I want to learn to trust myself and others. I am using my conscious awareness to actively transform my life by expanding my limiting perceptions and addressing my self-sabotaging behaviors. I am acutely aware of all the physical, chemical, and emotional toxins consuming my cells and beliefs.
I am grateful that I have made amazing choices in my partner for life, higher education, profession, circle of friends and lifestyle. I am super blessed that my parents are open and willing to join me on this spiraling, spring-like journey. I understand how their best intentions were cloaked in fear and pain.
I feel my most fundamental needs for love, understanding, encouragement, and support are permeating my cells to heal and grow. I physically have never felt so vital before. Emotionally, I have never felt this peaceful as I am right now.
Link to more excerpts from Passage of Change book: http://www.innereyepublishing.com/passage.html
Link to learn more about my chiropractor’s philosophy: http://vitalmoms.com/
We find these joys to be self evident: That all children are created whole, endowed with innate intelligence, with dignity and wonder, worthy of respect. The embodiment of life, liberty and happiness, children are original blessings, here to learn their own song. Every girl and boy is entitled to love, to dream and belong to a loving “village.” And to pursue a life of purpose.
We affirm our duty to nourish and nurture the young, to honour their caring ideals as the heart of being human. To recognize the early years as the foundation of life, and to cherish the contribution of young children to human evolution.
We commit ourselves to peaceful ways and vow to keep from harm or neglect these, our most vulnerable citizens. As guardians of their prosperity we honour the bountiful Earth whose diversity sustains us. Thus we pledge our love for generations to come.
The words of A Covenant for Honouring Children suggest nine guiding principles for living. Taken together, they offer a holistic way of restoring natural and human communities, thus brightening the outlook for the world we share. They form the basis for a multi-faith consensus on societal renewal.
Respectful Love is key. It speaks to the need to respect children as whole people and to encourage them to know their own voices. Children need the kind of love that sees them as legitimate beings, persons in their own right. Respectful love instills self-worth; it’s the prime nutrient in human development. Children need this not only from parents and caregivers, but from the whole community.
Diversity is about abundance: of human dreams, intelligences, cultures, and cosmologies; of earthly splendours and ecosystems. Introducing children to biodiversity and human diversity at an early age builds on their innate curiosity. There’s a world of natural wonders to discover, and a wealth of cultures, of ways to be human. Comforted by how much we share, we’re able to delight in our differences.
Caring Community refers to the “village” it takes to raise a child. The community can positively affect the lives of its children. Child-friendly shopkeepers, family resource centres, green schoolyards, bicycle lanes, and pesticide-free parks are some of the ways a community can support its young.
Conscious Parenting can be taught from an early age; it begins with empathy for newborns. Elementary and secondary schools could teach nurturant parenting (neither permissive nor oppressive) and provide insight into the child-rearing process. Such knowledge helps to deter teen pregnancies and unwanted children. Emotionally aware parents are much less likely to perpetuate abuse or neglect.
Emotional Intelligence sums up what early life is about: a time for exploring emotions in a safe setting, learning about feelings and how to express them. Those who feel loved are most able to learn and to show compassion for others. Emotional management builds character and is more important to later success than IQ. Cooperation, play, and creativity all foster the “EQ” needed for a joyful life.
Nonviolence is central to emotional maturity, to family relations, to community values, and to the character of societies that aspire to live in peace. It means more than the absence of aggression; it means living with compassion. Regarding children, it means no corporal punishment, no humiliation, no coercion. “First do no harm,” the physicians’ oath, must now apply to all our relations; it can become a mantra for our times. A culture of peace begins in a nonviolent heart, and a loving home.
Safe Environments foster a child’s feeling of security and belonging. The very young need protection from the toxic influences that permeate modern life-from domestic neglect and maltreatment, to the corporate manipulations of their minds, to the poisonous chemicals entering their bodies. The first years are when children are most impressionable and vulnerable; they need safeguarding.
Sustainability refers not merely to conservation of resources, renewable energy development, and anti-pollution laws. To be sustainable, societies need to build social capacity by investing in their young citizens, harnessing the productive power of a contented heart. The loving potential of every young child is a potent source for good in the world.
Ethical Commerce is fundamental to a child-honouring world. It includes a revolution in the design, manufacture and sale of goods; corporate reform; “triple bottom line” business; full-cost accounting; tax and subsidy shifts; political and economic cycles that reward long-term thinking. Ethical commerce would enable a restorative economy devoted to the well being of the very young.
see original here: http://www.raffinews.com/files/child_honouring/covenant_principles.pdf
for more information: http://www.raffinews.com/child-honouring/what-is-child-honouring
“Children are not objects that we could control or shape to fit our ideals…Children are indeed uncontrollable, but that is not the root of the challenges parents face. It is the tendency to control the uncontrollable that makes parenting problematic for many. The only things that we truly have control over are those that lie within the self – how choose to we see our children, think about their behaviours, and act with or towards them. ”
Click this link to read full article by Kenny Toh, Founder of Institute of Advanced Parentology
When You Stop Controlling, You Gain Control
My life experiences have taught me this: You cannot control anyone. Not even one’s children, nor many of your “reactions” because our brain is a complex series of chemical reactions that absorbs information from all our senses, past experiences and genetic code. Your default “reactions” were developed during conception to age 5. What you can CONTROL is where you put your energy and how you choose to RESPOND. We all have the power to let go of judgement, bring awareness to our thoughts, feelings, and consequences of our behaviors, and gain news skills and resources to get our own needs met.
“I have never met a person whose greatest need was anything other than real, unconditional love. You can find it in a simple act of kindness toward someone who needs help. There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame that heals our soul, energizes our spirit and supplies passion to our lives. It is our connection to God and to each other.” – Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
Check out link http://community.charterforcompassion.org/ to commit to acts of kindness
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/317/unconditional-love
I hope at least one person will play the episode above and listen with heart. Here’s a few tid bits:
- A monkey would prefer to cuddle all day with a soft fake monkey and only go to the wire version for quick sips of milk when dire only to rush back for more cuddles.
- We can die without touch.
- Some authority prescribed no-contact with parents because they thought they knew better.
- I was reminded of hearing the second adio-story on autism a few years ago while commuting a few years ago. This is real life for more than you know.
Every ONE needs more UNCONDITIONAL love and a safe space to express all your thoughts and feelings, especially the negative ones.
LOVING, warm, positive RELATIONships and healthy stimulating environments go hand in hand. Fear dominates my brain and perpetually sabotages my own need to connect. Our society is suffering from relational poverty due to fear-based and controlling practices slathered with overabundance of technology and apathy. It is amazing how freeing one can feel when you let go of fears and judgements and embrace the worst case-scenarios. We really can handle anything with love and support.
Check out my post describing unconditional love:
http://compassiondw.wordpress.com/2010/05/11/the-love-we-need-and-deserve/
