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I once took a Motivation Psychology course which was all about understanding what motivates our behaviors. I learned that the most gratifying and sustaining form of motivation comes from within, intrinsically. Sadly, much of our world is built on a punitive or reward based system. Most of us are doing things only to avoid pain and gain a reward.
There are countless thoughts, feelings, and variables influencing a persons’ action and self-worth. Much of these go ignored, unappreciated, refuted, shamed, criticized, rejected, etc. Our self worth deteriorates into a distorted picture of what others think by how we are treated. We focus on external things to not only judge our own wellbeing and value but to also make us feel better.
I have an extensive history of being successful: captain, honor roll student, summa cum laude, promoted, Masters of Science, business owner, happily married, brilliant children, yet when ever anything goes slightly off, all I can see is a big fat “F” and feeling terrified of what other’s reactions may be. Most often people’s attempts to comfort feel dismissive or insulting. When I am in this depressive state and one exuberantly points out everything I have to be grateful for or even what I did right, it sadly only highlights my inadequacy because I even fail at being grateful and seeing my strengths. This may seem extreme yet this has been one my realities I have to face.
Now I am well aware of where this all come from as I have dedicated my life to finding peace. Fortunately, I have many more moments in peace and joy yet I am human and still get triggered. I have a history of abuse, shame and guilt to heal. Accepting pain and negativity was the only way to survive and still be next to the people I loved and needed the most. I know from the bottom of my heart that the cast of people in my childhood were truly doing the best they could with the resources given to them. You only know what you know and can’t give what you have never received.
I vow every day to give everyone the unconditional love and support they need to be honest, free and process their pain. Our universe, body, mind, and soul have a highly intelligent and sensitive communication system that regulates beautifully when innate resources are given time and space to do so. It is amazing what the one’s will manifests when trusted and nurtured from beginning to end. Pain is nature’s boundary; love and connection is the ultimate inherent reward.
Here is a link for deeper exploration into this dynamic:
When a Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do as I Say’ http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/15/health/15mind.html?_r=2
Like this:
“Strong feelings do not vanish by being banished; but they do diminish in intensity and lose their sharp edges when the listener accepts them with sympathy and understanding.” ~Haim Ginott between parent and child
It is a sad myth that listing to one’s negative feelings or outbursts will positively reinforce their negative behavior. There is a huge difference between giving unconditional love and meeting vital needs versus “giving in”. I truly want to help people learn how to see the difference and embrace the discomfort as well as genuinely accept, validate, and listen to another’s pain. I know it is not easy, more often gut-wrenching and you usually won’t get the ideal result you were expecting, yet it will make a difference. Imagine if more of our communications with loved ones and strangers we more supportive than critical, then just maybe a few less of us will be buried feeling alone, afraid, and miserable…
Because in the end, when we all see the ugly things that we see, and we think the ugly things that we think, and we sometimes even vocalize those things to the people around us, it turns out that we are all unknowingly screaming the exact same words to each other.
“I want to be okay, damn it. I want to be okay.”
If you close your eyes for a moment and listen, you’ll hear the world’s cry.
“I want to be loved. I want to feel normal.”
Listen closer.
“I want to not be judged.”
The more you are able to hear it, the louder it gets.
“I want what I believe to be okay.”
Louder. Louder. Louder still.
“I want to not be hated for who I am.”
Until suddenly it’s deafening.
“I am a good person. And I deserve to be loved.”
Shit.
That’s what we’re all really crying.
Through the verdicts, and the odium, and the cries of foul-play. That’s what we’re all really crying.
“I am a good person. And I deserve to be loved.” ~Dan Pierce of Single Dad Laughing
click link for full article “The nine words that just might fix us all” http://www.danoah.com/2011/12/the-nine-words-that-just-might-fix-us-all.html
When I first saw this slide it was titled “Love based parenting vs Fear based parenting.” It displayed vividly the continuum I have felt in my heart, the dichotomy that exists in our society, and the constant conflict I face when I show others love based interventions. It is impossible to believe they truly work when you are in the grips of fear and perpetually stressed. One is constantly being triggered into a reactionary state when our stress buckets are full and our vital needs are neglected. Taking deep breaths and becoming mindful of our thoughts, feelings, and actions helps us slow down and choose an appropriate loving and respectful RESPONSE to relieve stress and get every one’s needs met. Feeling safe is VITAL for optimal growth and connection. Choose LOVE, please.
click link for full webinar from Dr Bryan Post and Helen Timpone: http://www.postinstitute.com/PostU/webinar.pdf
Read book From Fear to Love http://postinstitute.com/hope.php?p=DW1&w=feartolove
For more about ocytocin read: http://www.amazon.com/Oxytocin-Factor-Tapping-Hormone-Healing/dp/0738207489
http://compassiondw.wordpress.com/2011/03/23/relieve-stress-with-oxytocin/
I have inherited some devasting messages:
When anything goes wrong, I believe It’s all my fault.
When I break something or make a mess, I believe I am a complete failure and utterly stupid.
Sadly, I have passed this same negative tape to my son. It has grown more apparent the more I expand my awareness for it.
As we were getting ready to leave one day, he boistrously bounced into the wall and a picture frame crashed to the floor. As I am aware that things breaking is one of my triggers, my body viscerally reacted negatively. Almost simultaneously, my son hung his head down saying ”I’m so stupid.” As soon as possible, I told myself out loud to let it go and move onto to next step. Unexpectedly, he went back to the frame to try to fix it and I reacted negatively again as I was afraid he’d get hurt from glass and we were under a time crunch.
His head hung in shame again, he stammered toward the door, muttering “Its all my fault.”
The next feelings and thoughts poured through me in a matter of milliseconds….At first I was filled with anger and dissapointment of how could he feel so bad of himself; how I don’t have the time to deal with this now; how many times do we have to go through this…then feelings of guilt and shame came of how could I have let this self-hatred seep into my son’s self consciousness and how come I cannot heal us both and get over it…
I cought the negtive tape going wild in my mind and chose to give myself and my son the same love and compassion I wish to give everyone.
As my son turned the door handle to escape outside, I told myself I must not let him start his special day this way. I ran to him as boistrouly as he bounced into the wall just moments before, pulled his head up and bellowed “Raise your head.” As this was happening so quickly, I could still feel the tension in my hands. His look instantly told me to get my body, tone, and words to match the message of love I wanted to give. I hugged him and began singing,
I love you no matter what glass breaks.
I kissed him in tune to my melody on his neck and I looked at his eyes as they began to well up. I continued to sing:
I love you no matter what breaks.
again I repeatedly kissed him on his neck and as I saw tears beginning to fall, I sang:
You could knock the house down and all I would care is that you were safe and sound.
followed with more kisses, he tearfully said,
“That is the kindest thing I have ever heard.”
I responded that every word of it was true and we hugged. His younger sister who was watching the whole thing then joyfully pleaded, “I want kisses on the neck too.” We went on to have a great day and I believe some of those negative messages have healed. I now sing the same song to myself when I make a mess or break something;-)
“It takes great courage to love. Though it is often perceived as effortless, anyone who has loved would maintain that it is anything but that. By its nature, love requires the risk of rejection, overcome barriers of resistance, surmount our weekenesses and fully utilize our resources. If we are rejected, we will need courage to rise up and try again. If we are hurt, we must have the confidence that we will heal. If we are desolate, we must muster up human dignity to prevail. With the courage to meet whatever hindrances we may encounter along the way, we become more than just ‘re-actors’ to our lives; we become the actors who determine their courses.” ~Leo Buscaglia, Born For Love: Reflections on Loving
“The first step to take is to recognize that ALLemotions are healthy. In our culture, feelings such as joy, peace, and courage are seen as good feelings, yet feelings such as sad, mad, and scared are seen as bad feelings. Let’s rethink this to understand that it is not the feeling itself that creates negativity; it is the lack of expression of the feeling that creates negativity. And in children, this negativity is often expressed through poor behaviors.” ~ Heather T Forbes
I was truly blessed to read Heather’s book and see her live. She gave me the permission I was unconsciously seeking to parent my child from a place of unconditional love and acceptance…
“Children need unconditional love and unconditional acceptance from their parents; we all know this and believe this. However, do we ever stop to consider how so many of the traditional parenting techniques accepted in our culture work contrary to this primal goal? Traditional parenting techniques that involve consequences, controlling directives, and punishment are fear-based and fear-driven. They have the ability to undermine the parentchild relationship and because they are tied into behavior, children easily interpret these actions to mean, “If I’m not good, I am not lovable.” Thus, children often build a subconscious foundation that says that love and approval is based off of performance…
So the next time your child becomes defiant, talks back, or is simply “ugly” to you, work to be in a place not to react to the behavior, but respond to your child. Respond to your child in an open way—open to meeting him in his heart and helping him understand the overload of feelings that are driving the behaviors. He doesn’t need a consequence or another parental directive at that moment; he just needs you to be present with him. As your children learn to respond back to you through the parent-child relationship, they won’t have the need to communicate through negative behaviors anymore. You’ll both have more energy for each other, building a relationship that will last a lifetime.”
Please click the link to read the full article Feelings, Behaviors, and Relationships by Heather: http://www.beyondconsequences.com/feelings.pdf
You will be amazed how a genuine and simple acknowledgement of a any one’s feelings will almost instantly relieve the tension and transform to positive energy. They will feel valued and normal. Being receptive, sensitive, and in tuned to other’s needs and unique qualities will show respect and give them confidence to move on.
I was relieved to read a CNN article that captured the iceberg of emotional pain and experiences that accumulates to such extreme endings. It is not one event that provokes us; it is a lifetime of unmet needs, emotional violence and suppression of authentic self. We cannot even learn new skills because we are too afraid to even admit that we have fault.
Click following link to read article, What if he were your kid? By Joshua Coleman http://www.cnn.com/2011/OPINION/01/14/coleman.parents.arizona/index.html?hpt=T2
Personally, I think we all have fault and we are all responsible.
If you’d like to learn more about the evolution of violence and peace read the article, How Culture Shapes the Developing Brain and the Future of Humanity By James W. Prescott (Ph.D.) http://www.kindredcommunity.com/articles/how-culture-shapes-the-developing-brain-and-the-future-of-humanity/p/934
“The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears. I think everyone in the world to a large or small extent has felt rejection. And with rejection comes anger, and with anger some kind of crime in revenge for the rejection, and with the crime guilt — and there is the story of mankind.” John Steinbeck—East of Eden, 1952
“I have never met a person whose greatest need was anything other than real, unconditional love. You can find it in a simple act of kindness toward someone who needs help. There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame that heals our soul, energizes our spirit and supplies passion to our lives. It is our connection to God and to each other.” – Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
Check out link http://community.charterforcompassion.org/ to commit to acts of kindness
When “under stress or fear EMPATHY regulates, LOGIC infuriates.”
“Did you know that under stress your prefrontal cortex (executive center of the brain)shuts down and all of your decision-making and cognitive thinking goes bye-bye? Remember this the next time you attempt to use logic or advice with an upset child (or partner/sister/friend).“
In any heated interaction, you can choose to give water or gas; grow love or fuel hate. You have the power to take deep breaths, talk less, and listen with your heart. Thank you TEACH through Love for your daily, gentle reminders on love and regulation like the ones quoted above. http://www.teach-through-love.com/
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/317/unconditional-love
I hope at least one person will play the episode above and listen with heart. Here’s a few tid bits:
- A monkey would prefer to cuddle all day with a soft fake monkey and only go to the wire version for quick sips of milk when dire only to rush back for more cuddles.
- We can die without touch.
- Some authority prescribed no-contact with parents because they thought they knew better.
- I was reminded of hearing the second adio-story on autism a few years ago while commuting a few years ago. This is real life for more than you know.
Every ONE needs more UNCONDITIONAL love and a safe space to express all your thoughts and feelings, especially the negative ones.
LOVING, warm, positive RELATIONships and healthy stimulating environments go hand in hand. Fear dominates my brain and perpetually sabotages my own need to connect. Our society is suffering from relational poverty due to fear-based and controlling practices slathered with overabundance of technology and apathy. It is amazing how freeing one can feel when you let go of fears and judgements and embrace the worst case-scenarios. We really can handle anything with love and support.
Check out my post describing unconditional love:
http://compassiondw.wordpress.com/2010/05/11/the-love-we-need-and-deserve/
