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“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace…”
My mother use to keep a quote from the Serenity Prayer on our bathroom mirror so as a teenager it did give me daily strength. I am understanding more and more the difference and accepting what is meant to Be. I just included this quote in a card for mom to be delivered in her hospital room. It pains me to be a world away from her in this state. Her mother loved lillies and I love roses so I had some sent to her room. I have a strong belief that this huge health expression is a natural purging of all the emotional, chemical, and physical toxins she has absorbed in her life. The gift of new blood, oxygen, and unconditional TLC will guide her to exactly where she needs to be.
I love you Mom! May you feel and Believe the love you truly deserve.
This is one of my mom’s paintings.
Like this:
“Strong feelings do not vanish by being banished; but they do diminish in intensity and lose their sharp edges when the listener accepts them with sympathy and understanding.” ~Haim Ginott between parent and child
It is a sad myth that listing to one’s negative feelings or outbursts will positively reinforce their negative behavior. There is a huge difference between giving unconditional love and meeting vital needs versus “giving in”. I truly want to help people learn how to see the difference and embrace the discomfort as well as genuinely accept, validate, and listen to another’s pain. I know it is not easy, more often gut-wrenching and you usually won’t get the ideal result you were expecting, yet it will make a difference. Imagine if more of our communications with loved ones and strangers we more supportive than critical, then just maybe a few less of us will be buried feeling alone, afraid, and miserable…
Because in the end, when we all see the ugly things that we see, and we think the ugly things that we think, and we sometimes even vocalize those things to the people around us, it turns out that we are all unknowingly screaming the exact same words to each other.
“I want to be okay, damn it. I want to be okay.”
If you close your eyes for a moment and listen, you’ll hear the world’s cry.
“I want to be loved. I want to feel normal.”
Listen closer.
“I want to not be judged.”
The more you are able to hear it, the louder it gets.
“I want what I believe to be okay.”
Louder. Louder. Louder still.
“I want to not be hated for who I am.”
Until suddenly it’s deafening.
“I am a good person. And I deserve to be loved.”
Shit.
That’s what we’re all really crying.
Through the verdicts, and the odium, and the cries of foul-play. That’s what we’re all really crying.
“I am a good person. And I deserve to be loved.” ~Dan Pierce of Single Dad Laughing
click link for full article “The nine words that just might fix us all” http://www.danoah.com/2011/12/the-nine-words-that-just-might-fix-us-all.html
“there will be no end to the troubles of states, or indeed, of humanity itself, till philosophers are kings in this world, or till those we now call kings and rulers really and truly become philosophers, and political power and philosophy thus come into the same hands, while the many natures now content to follow either to the exclusion of the other are forcibly debarred from doing so. This is what I have hesitated to say so long, knowing what a paradox it would sound; for it is not easy to see that there is no other road to happiness, either for society or the individual.” ~Plato
A form of this quote appeared in the documentary, The Philosopher Kings which is described as an ”an exploration of wisdom in the heart of America’s most prestigious universities. Wisdom is found in the most unlikely places.” I had no expectations of this movie and was blown away. I knew I was in for it when I started to cry at the sight of a grown man having created an exact replica of the Mystery Machine.
The picture that will forever be in my heart was toddlers in Haiti having to eat dirt cookies to satisfy their hunger pains. Yes, cookies made of dirt. Now sadly, these may be more nutritious than the processed cookies found in most super markets but still dirt cookies. And they even had to pay five cents for one because they couldn’t even afford rice. I tried explaining this to my seven year old and he couldn’t understand not affording rice. He said, “But rice is so cheap!” On top of this, a man had moved to US to work 2 full time jobs to support his family in Haiti. This man breaks down in tears because he feels he isn’t doing enough to help his people. I could feel the weight of the world on his shoulders and blown away by how much one man can do.
This film came from a Spiritual Cinema movie. I highly recommend checking out their service: http://www.spiritualcinemacircle.com/our-inspirational-movies
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” ~Dr. Seuss
This quote soothes my insecurities, yet when I first read it I had an instant internal conflict. You see for me, EVERYONE matters: every thought, feeling, action has meaning and is valid. I care tremendously about the well-being of others. The slightest glare, ambivalent gesture, negative vibration, or discomfort feels like a punch to the gut as well as triggers fears and defense mechanisms. The mere thought of any soul suffering from my negligence, pains me.
SO everyday, I walk a fine line of taking full responsibility for my actions, thoughts, and feelings whilst mindfully observing how they may filter out onto others. I realize now that I do not deserve to suffer as much as I do and by no means am I responsible for all the pain that occurs in this world. Sadly it took me decades to figure this out, as I felt cursed much of my life. Faithfully, I now know I am blessed with great awareness, sensitivity, and empathy, and these gifts are in a sense, my super powers .
I still get pulled under by the waves of emotion, other’s influences, and flooded with negative tapes and reactions. I take deep breaths and filter the negative thoughts through positive, healing ones. I usual read from one of my bibles like the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu. Here is my most comforting chapter:
Those on the Way of Tao, like water
need to accept where they find themselves;
and that may often be where water goes to the lowest places, and that is right.Like a lake the heart must be calm and quiet
having great depth beneath it.the sage rules with compassion,
and his word needs to be trusted.the sage needs to know like water
how to flow around the blocks
and how to find the way through without violence.Like water, the sage should wait
for the moment to ripen and be right:water, you know, never fights
it flows around without harm.
I am water. I will flow with all the emotions and circumstances with out violence. I understand that just as my negative behaviors are a sign of internal stress and negativity for me to process, I accept that everyone else’s negativity is a reflection of where they are on their journey. I am a medium for processing suffering and experiencing joy and peace. I empower other’s innate resources. I trust the divine in you and me to see this as an opportunity for growth and connection. I will do my best to respond with unconditional love and respect because EVERYONE MATTERS, including myself.
Click on Everyone Matters… to read beautiful words by Bruce Scott of www.brucescott.rg
“It takes great courage to love. Though it is often perceived as effortless, anyone who has loved would maintain that it is anything but that. By its nature, love requires the risk of rejection, overcome barriers of resistance, surmount our weekenesses and fully utilize our resources. If we are rejected, we will need courage to rise up and try again. If we are hurt, we must have the confidence that we will heal. If we are desolate, we must muster up human dignity to prevail. With the courage to meet whatever hindrances we may encounter along the way, we become more than just ‘re-actors’ to our lives; we become the actors who determine their courses.” ~Leo Buscaglia, Born For Love: Reflections on Loving
The energy we choose to direct at our children (and all living things) will be absorbed and reflect back out. This process is dynamics and rapid especially when you consider the following:
- Children are processing most information using theta and alpha brain waves which allows all data coming into all senses to enter the brain unconsciously like in an hypnotic trance see http://www.renewal.ca/nlp55.html
- Our bodies our comprised of 75-85% water and water has been shone to crystallized into beautiful flowing shapes when messages of love are expressed toward it or disjointed and darkened when messages of hate are expressed http://www.spiritofmaat.com/archive/aug1/consciouswater.html
The saddest part for me is that much of our systems (schools, legal, medical, families) are based on fear and power to negatively control individuals to obey a higher figure (not God/Tao/Spirit). The punishments, deprivations, and negative labels create victims, abusers, dis-ease, and conflict whilst inhibiting our innate resources and unique talents.
Many of the so called negative behaviors we are trying to stop are actually qualities we would want in our leaders, our bosses, our partners, or of by-standers of a crime…don’t we want people to share their feelings and stand up for what they believe in? If we believe in humanity, our country, our family, our selves then wouldn’t we be standing up for each other? Wouldn’t shining a light on everyone’s behaviors cultivate positivity and prosperity for all?
Oh, that’s right, we are afraid of failure, of loss, of pain, of losing, and much much more…
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~Marianne Williamson
Ironically, feeling inadequate has been my constant battle and enemy. I discovered this quote 4 yrs ago from my yoga studio which postively re-framed my deepest fear and have been manifesting the value of it ever since.
Look at the positive side of a negative behavior * Believe good intentions * Avoid criticism and blame * Appreciate something, anything
You’ will be amazed what shines.
Here’s an awesome list to get you started:
Handout from DARE to Be You project (see link http://www.coopext.colosta te.edu/DTBY/).
Thank you DARE to be You and Dr David MacPhee for giving me this handout before I had kids;-)
Listen, LISTENWhen you listen you affirm me but your listening must be real sensitive and serious not looking busily around not with a worried or distracted frown not preparing what you are going to say next but giving me your full attention. You are telling me i am a person of value important and worth listening to one with whom you will share yourself. I have ideas to share feelings which i too often keep to myself deep questions which struggle inside me for answers I have hopes only tentatively acknowledged which are not easy to share and pain and guilt and fear i try to stifle These are sensitive areas and a real part of me but it takes courage to confide in another I need to listen too if we are to become close How can i tell you i understand? I can show interest with my eyes or an occasional word attuned to pick up not only spoken words but also the glimmer of a smile a look of pain, the hesitation, the struggle which may suggest something as yet too deep for words So let us take time together respecting the others freedom encouraging without hurrying understanding that some things may never be brought to light but others may emerge if given time Each through this listening, enriches the other with the priceless gift of intimacy. by Keith Pearson, Melbourne, Australia (discovered from http://eqi.org/listen.htm)
About 6 months ago, I was awoken in the middle of the night by a horrific dream… By the clothing and shapes of cars, it seemed to be set in the 1950’s. A gang of adult and young males tore through an alley, randomly shooting people and taking up young boys. My dream centered on one boy, age 7 or so. His dark skin glistened with sweat as he stood frozen. I saw utter shock and confusion in his eyes. Fear seemed not even to hit him yet as a 14 yr old boy pulled on his arm demanding he come. The little boy refused to budge. An older man, dressed in a suit, then pointed a gun at the boy and said that he will die like his friend there if he doesn’t come. The boy looked to his friend whose face was shot off, then grabbed a neon, plastic dart gun from his friend’s bloodied pocket. The older man grinned as he watched the boy do this and run to a waiting car.
My dream didn’t end there… It then went another scene, where the older man, the leader, spotted his 16 yr old daughter talking to a fellow on the street. The young fellow took off when he saw the girl’s farther approaching them. The father grabbed and stroked the button flap of her black, wool petticoat as he questioned why she was talking to that boy. The daughter seemed oblivious to the fate of the fellow pursuing her and irked at her father for disturbing her fun. She didn’t even notice the blood on her dad’s hands, and even giggled. She seemed to be daddy’s little girl. I awoke as I could see the dad’s stained blood hands rising up to my collar.
I don’t know if these people or situation was an accumulation of media, movies and news coverage, or scenes from another life. My heart was pounding, my mind numb. I could not shake the image of the daughter, the older man, and the little boy. My conscious became flooded with emotions. This is one reason why I do not watch violent movies or the news because my chest tightens and my stomach turns.
I feel the suffering, the desperation, the hopelessness, the fear.
I want to run screaming, fighting, and crying.
I know this is real life some where, every where and even right now as I type; someone is being tortured by someone who was tortured, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I cannot rest with all this pain.
As I lay in bed processing all these images and feelings, the song from En Vougue played in my head:
“Free your mind and the rest will follow
Be color blind, don’t be so shallow…
Free your mind and the rest will follow
Be color blind don’t be so shallow….Free Your mind!Why oh why must it be this way?
Before you can read me you gotta learn how to see me…”
“It is time for the good guys to fight back, not with fists but with rules of engagement that reboot our culture, so that kindness and decency and empathy are cool, and ruthless assault are not. ” Joel A. Dvoskin, Ph.D., ABPP
http://vachss.com/av_novels/heart.html
http://www.wbez.org/episode-segments/bullying-gets-graphic-new-novel
Here’s a link some thoughts on this social dis-ease: http://compassiondw.wordpress.com/2010/10/08/victim-or-bully/
A few months ago, I had two teacher figures say that my son was “emotionally immature.” Now any one who knows me or reads this blog could surmise that I am passionate about emotional intelligence, especially helping children to cope with emotions. Honestly, these complaints were very hard for me to swallow on many levels.
I, as respectfully as possible, accepted and validated their comments because of course he is emotionally immature: he’s six years old. I felt defensive, shocked and angered. I just wanted rip my son away from these people who I had entrusted to care for him. I even home-educate my son because most affordable school environments in my opinion are emotionally neglectful and abusive.
I internally chewed long and hard on their statements. I really had to grieve this situation. I typically blame my self when ever negative situations occur and worried intensely if I had messed up somewhere… I felt guilty for adding stress to the teachers; Was I crazy for teaching him to question authority and share his feelings? From their point of view and context, I could see where they were coming from yet it sickened me that this is the mind frame of most. I want to just shine a bight light on the world.
You see society thinks that one is emotionally mature because they handle their emotions. This is true to a degree, but one needs to have opportunities to express their emotions in order to learn how to handle their emotions in various settings and relationships. There is a learning curve for every new dynamic or experience.
It seems we give kids till they are about one to three years old to work this out, then we demand they listen and obey us without whining or tantrums. Sadly, what many think as emotionally mature child is one who is appearing obedient under the guise of actually feeling fear and freezing (like in fight, flight or freeze mode). They don’t know what to do but have learned that more negative energy will be directed at them if they don’t just stop. Eventually this leads to suppressing emotions and even dissociating when triggered in stressful environments. (There are uglier paths but I won’t dig there.)
Here’s is one my favorite quotes about emotional development and children:
“What is a normal child like? Does he just eat and grow and smile sweetly? No, that is not what he is like. The normal child, if he has confidence in mother and father, pulls out all stops. In the course of time he tries out his power to disrupt, to destroy, to frighten, to wear down, to waste, to wrangle, and to appropraite…At the start he absolutely needs to live in a circle of love and strength (with consequent tolerance) if he is not to be fearful of his own thoughts and his images to make progress in his emotional development.”
-Donald W. Winnecott, The Child, The Family, and the Outside World
Now, back to my sweet, sensitive son… Any one who knows him well has seen his empathetic, kind, and resilient nature as well as his ability to regulate himself . He started initiating group hugs when he was two and doing the meditative “ummmm” when he was in pre-school. He made a dragon from legos to guard his baby sister’s ashes and deeply mourned the loss of his great-grandma. When I am stressed, he echoes the words of the sage in me. He’s my buddha boy, and this is just a quick snapshot of the gracious qualities he shines upon me.
Currently, he is overwhelmed with contradictory messages. He now complains to me about how come other kids can just hit other kids and their siblings. I tell him that they are not supposed to and still in the process of learning to control their emotions and behaviors. That their brain gets flooded and they can’t get to those loving files. I validate that it is confusing and may seem unfair yet stress he has learned a special skill and can control himself even when he feels so angry.
He has also been asking why he cries so much but no one else seems to cry. He agonizes about what’s wrong with him and feels stupid that he cries so easily. I validate his pain yet stress that he cries because he has a big heart: he cares so much about what people think of him and the quality of work he produces. That although he appears weak and dramatic by society’s expectations for “normal boy” behavior, he is indeed strong, brave, spirited and willful. Sadly, with so few kids to empathize with him, he is starting to wish he didn’t care so much.
The biggest kick in the shorts for me is that when a kid or even an adult for that matter is being emotional, that is actually a sign of trust; that they feel some what safe to process their hard feelings with you. These emotional outbursts are opportunities for connection and growth yet we as listeners can’t even handle the feelings. We feel too uncomfortable and just want to contain them as quickly as possible. Teachers fear they are disturbing learning environment in stead of seeing it as an intense learning experience. Even with my successful experiences of utilizing intense emotions, I still get triggered with fear and just want to stop the discomfort and run away. It is also hard to hug an angry child especially when the child in you just wants to fight back.
Now next time a child is giving you grief, take a deep breath and give them the gift of your attention, a warm embrace, a shoulder to cry on, and listen. You don’t even need to think of things to say just be still then reflect back what you are hearing them say.
”When children feel understood, their loneliness and hurt diminish. When children are understood, their love for their parent is deepened. A parent’s sympathy serves as emotional first aid for bruised feelings. When we genuinely acknowledge a child’s plight and voice her disappointment, she often gathers the strength to face reality.” ~Haim Ginott
