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How gravely ironic that as a society we enforce more regulations
To hold us accountable
All the while sabotaging, depleting
Our own innate resources and regulatory system.
The fear and hate so ingrained
Toxins leach from lives we’ve left behind;
Like the layers of an onion,
The deeper I cut the fumes implore,
“Grieve, for goodness’ sake!
Believe.
Give yourself permission to truly be:
Let go, fear less, LOVE MORE…
Be the change you want to see in the world
Be present;
a gift to everyone, thing you see…
Starting with me.”
Did you read the writing on the wall or are you the one that helped me fall?
When I smiled and listened as a friend, was it your gestures that could not make amends?
Did you help me up when I fell, or laugh and condemn me to hell?
Do you always do what you want or does a surpassing urge forever haunt?
Have you ever found yourself falling yet no one answered your calling?
Do even care to remember my name or is life just one big game?
Maybe you see my quest for peace as a delusion of mind…
Yet for me, it is the most fulfilling life that I will ever find.
…more of my journey, written 4/28/1998
A lone snowflake in the middle of summer, melting before its presence ever known…
The thoughts in my brain scatter around and dig deep beyond ground
When I look at anyone:
I see their grandparents suffering,
their parents controlling,
their loved ones flailing
I hear children crying miles away
People die in my dreams, or merely exist to catch a dime to pay their next fine
When I ask how you are, I want to hear the truth not the version you want me to believe
I want to plow sorrows so JOY may seed and grow
I am sick of pretending and keeping the illusion of clean while numbing our body, mind, soul’s with endless balms
Stress, hate, fear, intolerance kills more than germs could ever dare
I am tired of feeling I am crazy and the only one who cares
Not about stains and knots in my hair or mixed matched socks and stripes with polka dots
There is something much more graceful connecting us than marionette strings
Dear Tao, god, Mother Nature (or what ever your mind is open to conceive), I surrender to the Great Flow and Unconditional Love
We will recover from fear, the delusion of control and ego
May each of our presence be known when is meant to shown…
I thought I knew it all
Then you were born.
You touched my soul to no end:
Your cries burrowed a well
Stirred my consciousness
Awakened humility
A collaboration of love and labor in its purest form.
I see my reflection in your brilliance and turbulence;
Shadows of the past to heal
Vital needs to nurture
Dreams to actualize
You have much to teach me
I am ready to learn.
I am religious yet I do not go to church; well at least not one with a steeple.
The sky is its roof, and the floor I have yet to see but imagination runs wild in thee.
The altar changes depending on the landscape and need.
The pews are also made of wood, and of rock, of mental, and of dirt.
The congregation is you and me, and everything that lives between regardless of genus, phenotype, age, race, sexual orientation, or creed.
There is no separate room for crying babies or nursing mothers. Children’s questions or exclamations are never shhh’ed.
There is no preacher but an all-seeing mirror of thoughts, of feelings, of touch, of non-action.
I believe in god but it takes many shapes and has no gender, of which I don’t pray to but with.
There is no fear of hell or reward of heaven. Each day is a present I am free to accept or not.
Did Eve’s civil disobedience bring us evil or was she empowered to choose freedom of will?
Is excruciating labor pains punishment for this choice or do we learn to appreciate what we work hard for?
Is Jesus the son of God?… I hope no more than you or I.
Did Jesus die to save us?…We ALL have the right to wait and see.
I choose to use what god bestows US and religiously BE.
A rush of relief, it feels sincere.
Beyond all belief, the beginning is here
My happy endings have become reality
And positive vibration has taken the worst of me
If I follow my bliss, then open more doors.
For that first kiss that brought me to shore.
I discovered a land more honest and pure
With plenty of sand and the most important cure:
Freedom from fear with time to spare
A peaceful mind and a healthy soul,
Excited to explore and ready for more….
I wrote this exactly 13 years ago from today, which marked the end of depression’s control of me. I am elated that with each new day, I feel more peace and positive energy. Yes, I still slip and fall into holes, but the holes are not as cavernous as the ones that swallowed me before. They are so much smaller, that I can climb out of them faster using my own two hands. There is a light that guides me at every turn. I see it every day now. It makes life’s mysterious feel solved and my virtue freed. I can’t tell how wonderful it feels to finally believe…to believe in musing down Rabbit Holes or flying with Tinker Bell….to being Queen for the day or Pooh’s best friend. I believe in Magic again and I have found a Rainbow’s end.
It beats,
It breathes,
But it does not live.
It goes through all the motions yet is numb to progress.
It holds on indulging in loss, never realizing its own possessions.
And what happens if it cannot trust itself?
It cries.
It yearns.
And eventually, it dies.
Without a definition, it cannot survive.
It is only human to make mistakes, but it is the Consequences that burns its Happiness into Pain.
Pain overpowered by Guilt and Insecurity.
And if the Insecurity isn’t tormenting enough,
Its Uncertainties will horrify.
But it doesn’t end here because after all this,
It is expected to keep believing;
In itself,
In others.
witten in 1996.
I have still spent more of my life feeling like the “it” above than not. I even came from a family with more resources than most. Was I borne ”damaged”? Well if you consider transgenerational trauma and epigenetics, than in a sense, I was. Fortunately, I am aware of the chemical reactions in my brain and have all the resources I need to keep healing.
I am beginning to believe in myself.
I know that cringe. I know that fear.
I too have enjoyed when no one is near.
You lose the desire to try when all you feel is failure.
No decisions are easy when you think they are all wrong.
So you learn to avoid and you forget to deal.
When you become so good at concealing
You cannot even conceive of healing.
There’s time s when I’ve just wanted to explode
And share with the world my many woes.
But when you think too hard, that wire disconnects:
Why am I here?
Why should anyone care?
These breakdowns are cries for help, but no one is listening…
Not even me.
I wrote this on March 5th, 1997. This poem describes the path I was on since I could remember. Fortunately over the past 13 years, I have been listening and healing.
My words insignificant to the damage of our cells.
I want to do more, but have nothing more to give.
Our ego too sensitive;
A hermit, I live.
Hypocrisy comes knocking at my door…
What the HELL are you doing that for!?!
Will someone please let me in?
